ch. 16

548 19 4

by lilchili

by lilchili

"Okay, who is this girl..? And why didn't Anthony tell me anything?" Ashley had gone completely crazy over this whole ordeal.

I told her the news as soon as I got home, showing her the photos and having to stop her multiple times from throwing my phone across the room. This just wasn't something I could keep under wraps. I was almost sure everyone in our apartment complex could hear how upset she was. That was the difference between she and I: she was blunt, and wasn't afraid to inform the world about how she was feeling. And I was the complete opposite. I preferred to keep my personal life quiet. But this was eating me up inside to the point where I was about to burst.

I just couldn't comprehend the photos that I saw.

Was I overreacting?

Was I just assuming that he was doing something with her behind my back?

Am I just acting crazy?

I couldn't help but have the worst feeling in my stomach because all of this felt way too familiar.. feeling down and insecure about myself and about my relationship.

If he was with another girl, why couldn't he just tell me that? I was so confused, and I couldn't tell if I was just acting stupid and making false assumptions. Maybe this is where I tend to go wrong in relationships- I just can't trust anyone.

"Maybe I'm just acting crazy. She's probably just a good friend of his or something.." I said, trying to justify my feelings. It was taking so much out of me to feel hopeful and not automatically assume the worst about Josh's intentions.

I quickly grabbed a tissue to wipe off my smudged mascara that had made it's way down to my cheeks. I had cried so much on my walk home that I don't think I was even able to produce any more tears.

"A good friend who takes lovey-dovey couple photos with your boyfriend? I don't think so.. I'm calling Anthony right now." She ran out the room, grabbed her cellphone and dialed his number. I could hear her voice from the other room. Oh god.

"So when were you gonna tell me some other girl was on tour with you guys? ..Oh really? You didn't know? I really doubt that. No! Don't have him explain himself to me. He needs to explain it to Frankie," she slapped her phone shut. The conversation only lasted a few seconds and I couldn't tell if I was thankful for her fire and rage, or if I was embarrassed. I wasn't even sure what was happening right now: with me, with my relationship, with everything.

"Ashley I just really want to be alone right now. We can talk about this later, okay?" I wanted out. Thinking about all of this physically drained me, and I just wanted to forget.

I dressed myself in my pajamas and laid in my bed, pulling the covers over me. I never knew how to handle things like this, so I always resorted to sleeping for long hours and dreaming of a life where shit like this didn't happen to me. A girl can dream, I guess.

"Hey babe, I love you, just know that this isn't over yet. I'm gonna figure this all out, I promise," she pulled the covers back and gave me a kiss on the cheek before leaving my bedroom.

I so badly wanted to believe her.

I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. Guess sleep didn't even want me.

What was bothering me even more was that I STILL hadn't heard from Josh. I didn't know if Anthony told him about Ashley's phone call, or the fact that I was aware of his close friendship with this girl, or whatever it was that was going on during their tour.

Confrontation is something I'm not so good with, but I had convinced myself entirely that I shouldn't be the one to make the first move. Maybe that makes me seem and look selfish, but I was at the point where if something was going on, something bad, he should at least have the decency to be honest with me and tell me about it.

I was just feeling so alone and so unwanted that I didn't know what to do or what to think. The fact that my boyfriend had been MIA for this long made me feel like I was nonexistent. I reached for my phone and I can't believe I even thought this, but I actually contemplated on whether or not I should call Mark or Gabe. I'm not really sure what I was thinking at this point, but I knew that I wasn't thinking clearly. I just wanted someone to be with me for the night- some kind of distraction to keep me from killing myself with these horrible thoughts. I couldn't stand being alone in my empty room trying to pretend like everything was fine.

I then started typing a text to Gabe. It read:

"Can I come over?"

I silently put my phone down and closed my eyes, sighing obnoxiously. This was the last thing I ever imaged myself doing. What was I even thinking at this point?