only the lonely // josh klinghoffer

ch. 29

I sat on the front steps directly in front of the hotel entrance. I felt like a girl at prom who was waiting for a guy to come in and sweep her up off her feet, with sad music from The Cure or The Smiths softly playing in the background. Except in my case, I knew the possibility of that was extremely unlikely.

I needed to just leave. I wanted to leave, but I was scared to because I wasn't even sure when I'd be able to see the guys again. 

I really missed them. 

I missed spending time with them in their studio, fucking around and coming up with songs that didn't make sense. They were like the family I always wanted to have.

Their tour was basically over, which meant they'd be returning to LA and enjoying whatever break they had. I couldn't just run back up there and say goodbye to them, even though I should've- it was just too sad. But I knew that it was my time to go. I was so flattered that they invited me to join them in one of their last get together's and see them again, but I felt like I really didn't have a purpose in being here.

I felt like a constant reminder of the past. I knew they looked at me and only saw who I was when I was with Josh. What happened to her..

They haven't seen who I was these past few months.. They don't know the shit I've done or gotten myself into. I'm not who I was back then, and I didn't want to fool anyone into believing that.

All of this just felt too confusing and really overwhelming.

What the fuck was I doing?

I was honestly torn between starting a new life here at home, or returning to California with my best friend.

Or maybe even just going somewhere where nobody knew who I was.

Before I could elaborate on my thoughts further, I heard someone exit the hotel doors and call out to me quietly. I turned around and saw Flea, with his gap-toothed, sweet self.

"Franks, why are you out here by yourself?" he asked, sitting down next to me.

I wanted to tell him the truth. That I was a fucking idiot who didn't have the balls to fix the most important relationship in my life. But I couldn't manage the words correctly.

"I think you might know why," I said, trying to return his polite smile.

He placed his hand on my back, rubbing it slowly for comfort.

"I know I may not be the person who gives the best advice, but I want you to do what makes you happy. Forget everyone else for a while. Worry about you- what do you want?"

His words stung. I knew he wasn't trying to come off as rude at all. He was only trying to help, and he was probably a bit frustrated with both Josh and I for not putting our pride aside and admitting how we really felt to each other. So, I don't blame him for slapping me with some honesty. I needed to hear it.

I didn't have the heart to answer his question. As much as I wanted and should've ran back up stairs and found Josh and told him everything I've been wanting to for the last few weeks, I knew I didn't have the heart to do it. It felt too late. It felt like maybe our time together had really come to an end. And we both just needed to move on from one another.

Seeing him took a toll on me. It made me wish I could be the girl I was when we were dating. I was so confident then, so utterly in love and free-spirited. But now, I was someone who was so damaged, so confused. I didn't recognize myself anymore.

His beautiful face was all I could think about right now. I knew I would always love him. And I'd always remember how he did try to fix us- or at least that's what I thought and wanted to believe. He had tried to explain himself to me a couple of times before, but the timing was just off. Maybe it wasn't meant to be.

He deserved to be with someone who would give him the world.

Someone who was much closer to his age, much skinnier and way more beautiful and confident. I wasn't any of those things. And I would never be any of those things.

I was just like any other ordinary girl, completely reckless and naive. I knew I didn't deserve someone like him. The reason for our breakup may have been small, but I'd always remember the time we spent together. My time with you was remarkable, and truly the best times of my life.

Thinking about all of this was making me tear up, right in front of Flea. He pulled me in for a hug, letting me rest my head on his shoulder. I had a sudden realization, and I knew I was going to hate myself eventually for making this decision. But at this very moment, it felt right. It finally felt like I was doing something, for me.

I got up from the hotel steps and turned to look at Flea, who was looking right back at me with sad eyes.

"Thank you for being here with me. You're the sweetest, most generous man I've ever known," I gave him a kiss on the cheek, signaling my goodbye.

He smiled sadly, knowing exactly what I was about to do. And I'm thankful he let me go and didn't try to stop me.

I walked down the sidewalk, thinking about my newfound decision. I wiped the tears that had stained my cheeks.

This was hard, but I felt like it needed to be done.

I needed to let go of the one person who I thought would be my forever and always.

I needed to focus on myself. And try to do better, for myself. 

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so sorry for my late update :(