Liam sank into the kiss, fell limp and boneless like he always did in Niall's arms. But only for a moment, he only let himself linger with Niall's lips against his, tongue curling into his mouth as Niall tugged at his hair impatiently. And then he wrenched away, shoving Niall back as hard as he could.
"No. No, Niall - we're not doing this. I'm - I'm done."
Niall stared at him in horror, mouth dropped open as he clutched at the front of Liam's shirt tightly. "That's - Liam, no. Let me explain please; hear me out. I..I can't let you go."
"Well I'm letting you go" Liam roared, trying to wriggle free from Niall's grip but failing. "You ended it, Niall. You did this, you did this to us. We aren't a thing anymore; you cut me off without a care and it destroyed me...I just - I can't do this." He ended in a small voice.
"Please." Niall whispered, loosening his grip but not letting go. "Please let me explain. I can't let you walk out thinking I wouldn't give you everything like you would for me. I can't let you think you're not everything to me."
Liam couldn't ignore the pain in Niall's voice, couldn't ignore the sincerity laced in every word he spoke. It was too much like a dream, Liam knew that. But...there wasn't a universe in existence that Liam could ever say no to Niall Horan in. So he gave a short nod, let Niall lead him to sit on the bed. He sat quietly next to Niall.
Niall sighed and turned his whole body towards Liam.
"I guess - well, I guess I should start with why...well, why I haven't called." Niall's voice was small and tentative.
"That would be lovely." Liam returned icily. Just because he said he'd hear Niall out didn't mean he needed to be nice about it.
Liam stared at Niall, keeping his face blank and serious. He had spent hours and days and weeks wondering why Niall had cut off communication so abruptly, why they had gone from whatever they were to strangers. The hurt of it still throbbed like a deep bruise ringed around his heart.
It had taken weeks before he'd felt human, weeks before he'd been able to do anything but cry into the pillow that he'd sprayed with Niall's cologne.
As much as he wanted to know...he was terrified of the truth.
"You - fuck this is hard." Niall scrubbed his hand against his face with a short laugh.
Liam offered a wry smile and a shrug, "No worse that it will be for me to hear it."
"Liam...you have no idea how much I love you"
"I know, but you just cut me off Niall- did you ever wonder how that made me feel?"
"I know how it looked. I know how awful of a move that was on my part but...I just needed some space to sort myself out"
"Christ, Niall - do you not think I would not have understood if you had told me that? You made me feel so unwanted, you disappeared for three months. Do you know how much that destroyed me? I love you with everything in me and I know you love me as well but it's when you do things like this that makes me doubt your love for me"
Niall stared at him with wide eyes, When he spoke his voice quivered, "You think I don't love you enough?"
Liam snorted, brushing at the tears that were doing more than just threatening. "Yes, I put you first Niall in everything I do but you never do the same for me. I would throw myself off a cliff if you'd ask me to because I'm that fucking gone for you"
"I would do the same for you, how can you doubt that?"
"Because you do so many things that make me doubt it." Liam answered "And never enough things to make me believe you or trust that what we have is real and is going to last a lifetime."
"I'm sorry for making you feel like that" Niall says "but believe me when I say I love you with everything in me, I just needed some time to think"
"To think about what?, what is there to think about Niall? You said this, us was everything you've ever wanted"
"And it is but I wanted to be sure that I wouldn't hurt you again" Niall says
"But you did hurt me, by cutting me off you fucking destroyed me." Liam says, his mind wondering back to the painful months he spent wondering what he did wrong. "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I really...I'm over it. I got over it, over you." Liam added for good measure, moving to stand. This was too painful of a conversation. "It's over, it's in the past now."
Niall looked panicked, eyes widening like those stupid anime cartoons, filling his face as he blinked up at him rapidly. He grabbed for Liam's hand, tugging as Liam tried to move away. "Wait, no no no. This - this isn't over, it can't be. You can't just walk out before I can explain myself probably. You just - you have to listen to me, please, baby. Please."
"Don - don't call me that." Liam's voice cracked. That - that little name for Liam, the way it used to slip out of Niall's lips so easily and fondly - that hurt the most.
"You can't be over me. This can't be over."
"Then how come it is?" Liam replied softly, sadly.
He gently unwound his hand from Niall's, brushing again at the tears leaking out of his eyes. He couldn't do this again, couldn't fall into Niall's orbit and risk destroying himself again. He'd barely made it through the first few times; he knew he wouldn't survive if he continued doing this thing with Niall. It wasn't healthy.
"It's not." Niall said stubbornly, standing and grabbing for Liam with both hands, holding onto his hips so that he couldn't move.
Liam stood frozen, staring wide-eyed at Niall, Niall stared right back at him, eyes searching Liam's. Then he leaned forward carefully until his breath was mingling with Liam's, warm on his lips as he breathed in and out slowly. Before Liam could pull away, even if he'd wanted to, Niall closed the gap between them to fasten his lips carefully to Liam's.
It wasn't like the kiss at the door, to be honest it wasn't like any kiss they'd ever had before. It was soft and sweet, Niall's lips gently catching Liam's but not bothering to deepen the kiss. Niall trailed his hands up Liam's body so he could tuck his hands in his hair, tugging carefully at it.
Niall pulled back slowly. Liam kept his eyes closed, savoring the taste of Niall. Liam blinked slowly, staring down at Niall who was just looking up at him with a soft, serious look. He ran his thumb along Liam's jaw, leaning forward to press another gentle kiss to his lips.
"It's not over. I won't let it be." Niall whispered, tugging so he could get Liam to sit back down.
Liam didn't even recognize that he was crying until Niall used his thumb to wipe a tear off his face. He was so so tired of hating Niall; tired of being confused every time he thought about their relationship as he wondered if he had ever meant anything to Niall.
"I can't let you continue to break my heart" Liam whispered, searching Niall's eyes for some hint of understanding.
"I won't, I can't."
"You continue to do so" Liam sniffled, pulling back to wipe at his nose. "Without a thought."
////
What a total mess this chap is :/
