Pyrope's Place: Dave Strider (Short Story)

Chapter 5 - Batshit Crazy and Shithive Maggots

Dave woke up to his alarm on Monday at 6:30 AM.
"YOU SON OF A MOTHER-" Gamzee started before he was interrupted by Dave's cry of "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Dave rolled out of bed and reached for his sunglasses on the bedside table, his eyes still half closed from sleep.

They weren't there.

"What the fuck?" Dave thought. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the table. His shades weren't there!
Dave decided to freshen up in the shower before trying to find his sunglasses. Today he chose some jeans and a shirt with long red sleeves. But the shades still could not be found! Dave decided to ask Latula about them, since she was the housekeeper.
Dave tip-toed past Gamzee's room, reminding himself again about the bucket. In the dining room, he saw John and Vriska sitting next to each other, Vriska's head rested on John's shoulder with her pincer-shaped horn stabbing into his face. John didn't seem to notice. Dave smiled and sat at a table near a window. Latula came out, handed him a red leather-bound menu, said, "Rad mornin'!", and flipped him a peace sign.
Dave took the menu and scanned the thin, weathered pages. "I'll have apple juice and two boiled eggs, please. Oh, and have you seen my shades?"  He asked. Latula wrote down his order and thought a moment. "Oh, the real rad ones you used to wear? Nope, ain't seen those." She said. "But I'll give 'em to you if I see them."
Dave nodded and Latula went back into the kitchen.
Dave looked around and saw Eridan, sullking in a corner table with his cape wrapped tight around him.
Suddenly, Terezi came barging in, breaking a Ming vase on a table and sending shards of porcelain flying towards Eridan, who hissed and pulled his cape tighter around him. Dave wasn't interested about the vase though, more about the fact that Terezi was wearing his sunglasses. She crashed into Dave and started licking his red sleeves.
"Heh heh! You've got great taste, in clothes and color, whoever you are!" She cackled, then stopped abruptly. "Who are you?" Terezi poked at Dave's red eyes.
"Terezi, why have you got my shades?" Dave asked, pushing Terezi upright and getting up.
"Dave!" Terezi cried in very enthusiastic greeting as she slapped him hard and pulled out her red-tinted glasses. "I found these glasses and they're yours!" She shoved them onto Dave's face.
"Terezi, those are yours." Dave said, taking them off and handing them back.
"They are?" Terezi said, licking them a bit. "Yes, they are! Then these must be yours!" She took off the sunglasses she was wearing and crammed them into Dave's mouth.
"Thanks." Dave mumbled and spat out his sunglasses, checking carefully for any scratches. He turned to see John and Vriska laughing at him, and regretted singing that damn song for them immediately.
Terezi waltzed out of the room, poking Eridan in the gut exactly where Dave had kicked him yesterday with her cane. Eridan yelped and absconded the fuck out of there. Terezi leaned on her cane and cackled before tap-dancing over the the broken pieces of vase, sweeping them under the tablecloth, mouthing 'it was him' in Dave's general direction and waltzing out.
Latula came out of the kitchen with Dave's apple juice and eggs. "Oh, I see you found those rad shades of yours!" She said, putting the plate in front of Dave.
"Thanks." Dave said, and Latula attempted a curtsey but then flipped over into a handstand and moonwalked out. Dave found his appetite diminished at this peculiar series of events, discarded his eggs but drained his apple juice quickly and went into the kitchen.
"Hey, Latula, you got a bucket?" He asked.
Latula cackled and asked, "Sure, red or black? Oh, and if you don't take it too personal, who's the rad person?" Dave gave her a confused look and asked, "What?"
"Well, I'm glad you asked!" Kankri said, standing in the doorway, his signature whistle in his mouth. Latula facepalmed and absconded the fuck out of there (Abscond the Fuck Out of There Combo x2!).

"Kankri!" Dave said, and held up his fist for a fist-bump. Kankri glared at it and brushed Dave's hand away.

"You were asking about the different buckets for troll romance." He said. Dave then realized absconding with Latula would have probably been a much better idea than staying there.

Kankri took a deep breath and started, "Dear undeniably cooperative acquaintance do always anticipate the inevitably impending apocalypse of the incomprehensibly dreadful ironing boards with their horrifically intriguing audacity and terribly jovial disposition (however slightly unstable in both mind and character) and by all means refrain from making eye contact for if you do you shall surely succumb to their abrasively intrusive telekinetic powers for a single nick of a salmon-colored tendon with teal zebra stripes criss-crossing in wild abandon inflicted upon the third forefinger of the twelfth toe could result in most disastrously uncanny as well gallantly chivalrous consequences including  the downfall of a vast following of lingering clowns or, and I pray every fortnight and five halves that this poisonous boon may never near our sophisticated establishment, the endangerment, which will be closely followed by the entire annihilation of the grey nosed, white eyed, flabby skinned and gorgeously suntanned joker etched upon the Bicycle playing card..."

In the end, Dave tricked Kankri into locking himself in the fridge and left wearily for school.