Hidden Beneath Brown Eyes (A Zayn Malik Fanfiction)

Chapter 23 - Double Decker

For days I had been thinking about my dream, obsessing over it. It was haunting my every waking thought, but strangely, it never returned to me while I was asleep.

I knew that the depiction of me drowning and sinking further down had been symbolizing my hopelessness in terms of my current situation, and being suffocated by the struggle between what I thought I wanted and what I thought I needed.

But I was trying to figure out which one was which.

I had far more questions than answers. Not only questions about Liam and Zayn, but questions about myself.

I was starting to feel like I had been running for so long, but I didn't know what I was running from. Like everything I'd ever thought about myself was a lie. Like I'd had a mask glued over my face for years and now the glue was finally chipping off.

I had never doubted myself before; never doubted my plans or goals, never doubted my feelings. I was caught in a fog, an unbearable state of unknowing and confusion. All of a sudden, I was doubting my plans to go to college and what I would study when I got there, I was doubting the way I'd decided to live my life in high school, and I was doubting the way I felt about Liam, Zayn, and even my own reflection.

I could have never known what kind of impact a few weeks, or a few people, would make on my life. I could have never seen this coming; not in my wildest dreams.

I wasn't broken, I wasn't shattering, but I was lost. For the first time in my life, I didn't have things figured out. I didn't have it all together.

I knew that I had decided that I wanted to talk to Zayn, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was starting to even doubt that decision. I didn't know what I'd say, or what I wanted to say. I didn't even know where to start. With him, everything was so blurred, and I could never tell how I would act around him or how he would act around me.

One morning, Liam and I sat at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. We had both been pretty silent all the while.

Despite my dream and the way Liam comforted me that night, we still weren't entirely back to normal. He wasn't as persistent when it came to pressing me for sex, but he still asked more often than he should've.

The sound of silverware against glass plates was the most prevalent sound in the room. Next was the sound of food being ground up by teeth. And third, was the faint sound of breathing.

Every once in awhile, Liam and I would glance up at each other, both offering just a small smile, and then returning to our food. At this point, it wasn't even awkward anymore. It was actually comfortable. It was like a routine that we had gotten into. Get up, eat breakfast, get dressed etc.....

I didn't feel disgusted by myself any longer, and I didn't feel as distant from Liam. I was content.

We were just finishing up breakfast when we heard the doorbell sound and echo through the house. We both looked at each other, as if to ask "were you expecting anybody?" But when we both appeared to have the same confused expression, we knew the answer.

I picked up the plates and glasses and made my way to the sink, motioning with my head for Liam to get the door. I walked over and started the water, placing the dishes on the counter next to the sink. When the water warmed up, I squeezed some soap onto a dishrag and started gently scrubbing the dishes.

I preferred hand washing dishes over putting them in the dishwasher. I never really knew why, I just liked it that way.

I had finished the first dish, along with the fork and glass, and had moved on to the second plate. I scrubbed it down, rinsed it off, and reached over for a towel to dry it with, and just as I was turning around to place the clean dish with the others, the sight of someone standing in the doorway caught me eye.