goner | j.t.

{six} l

wow i'm really inactive. i need to get it together, geez. anyways, for all of you that actually read this, here's a new chapter for you. peace out frens

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i stood outside of my apartment door, not wanting to enter the place i call 'home.'

i sighed, knowing that i'd have to walk in eventually. i took the keys out of my pocket and unlocked the door, being faced with the bitter smell that my apartment gave off.

putting my bag down, i walk over to the living room, passing the kitchen on the way.

no food tyler, you know that. you've been doing good all week, and you know what you have to do if you if you eat something, right?

i decide not to argue with him. i knew he was right, and so far this week, i have lost 3 pounds. that's the normal amount i should be losing, so i'm doing fine, as long as i keep this up.

i sat down on the couch just listening to the pure silence that filled the space around me. it was always lonely here, always the same, day in and day out.

it drives me insane.

but, it's better than going home home. that's where all of my problems started. that's where he first appeared.

my past is not something i like to bring up, and only brendon knows what my childhood was like, he's the only person i've ever told.

brendon.

i got my phone out from my yellow sweatshirt pocket and opened our messages. i smiled looking at my contact name for him, beebo. it's the nickname i had given him after we became good friends the first year i started working at the record store.

i stared down at the glowing screen, eyes focused on the little letters that made up the keyboard. i was never good at apologies, so i wasn't sure how to start this. (an: italics are his text messages to brendon)

brendon, i don't know what i was thinking back at the store today-
delete.

beebo, you know i didn't mean what i had said earlier, i'm never good with words-
delete.

i'm sorry.
i paused for a second, knowing that if i said more, my words would be a jumble of nonsense. but before i knew it, i clicked the button that i seemed to fear the most.

send.

i stared blankly at my phone re-reading what i had just sent. it's 11:30, no one checks their phone this late. i'm such an idiot. "i'm sorry" was the best you could do tyler? jesus christ.

i ran my hands through my hair and gripped it tightly at the roots. i picked up my phone and stood up abruptly, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes.

looking down at the bright screen once again with slightly blurred vision, i managed to make out that it said 'read 11:32pm' underneath the message.

i shut my phone off, tossing it aside onto the couch. i don't know why i'm making such a big deal about this, we've had worse fights before, and when we do it's usually just something stupid. but then again, we've never had a fight big enough that it could potentially ruin our friendship, let alone because of me.

my breathing became heavier and anxiety started to rise in my body once more, making me wonder if i was starting to have a panic attack.

i made my way over to my bathroom and looked in the mirror, seeing the repulsive reflection of myself staring back at me. the bags under my eyes looked permanent by this point, dark purple-grey circles caving into my tired, pale skin. hair far from neat, unkempt strands going in every direction. hideous, you could say.

i reached up, opening the cabinet in search for my almost empty bottle of anti-depressants and some advil. my head was killing me. once i found the bottles, i quickly took the caps off and put the pills in my hand, not caring how much would end up flowing throughout my body in a matter of minutes.

soon enough, i had lost track of how many pills i had taken. not enough to kill me, but there's always a chance. i was getting tired so i went back to the living room where i had left my phone not too long ago.

picking it up, i still don't see any texts from brendon. i didn't think he would respond, but a small part of me kind of hoped he would.

i looked through my phone seeing that i had other recent notifications, but sighed when i realized that it was just different social medias. i decided to try and sleep, the medications will most likely knock me out sooner or later anyways.

i took my navy blue t-shirt off along with my very uncomfortable black skinny jeans, and climbed into bed, plugging my phone into it's charger and setting it down on the worn out bedside table beside me.

i closed my heavy eyelids and enjoyed the dark scenery that was inside my head.

the last sound i heard was a quiet buzzing vibration against the wood surface my phone lied upon, and then i was taken by sleep.