My Relationships

3rd: Distrust

As for my 3rd relationship this ties into 9th grade as well, developing to 10th.

When my 2nd boyfriend went out on a trip, I missed him for a bit, then forgot about him.. I met this other guy online, he was super weird, funny, and everything I would've wanted.

I started to really like him, to the point where I wanted this guy to be my boyfriend, and thought I'd be much happier that way.

When my boyfriend came back from his trip, I was actually playing games with this guy instead, which led me to avoid my boyfriend in the first place.

As soon as my boyfriend and I had broken up, I could tell he was very saddened by it. Right after the breakup, I immediately went to tell this other guy that I loved him. Don't ask me how I did that, thinking about it is crazy to me.

Obviously, he was shocked and surprised by it. He wasn't into relationships at the time because of previous bad relationships. It was a little too soon, but we had so much in common I couldn't help myself.

I felt bad about it, but I'm just relieved to be out of that relationship. This guy and I started to chat and get to know each other more every day. I think when about 2 months or so passed, it was New Years of 2016. I told him I still loved him, and he asked if I would really date him. I said I will do anything in the world to be with him, and that's when we started dating.

He made me laugh so much, he had the personality and the interests, basically everything I'd want. I'm just horrible for all the things I've done to him, and I regret every single thing. I wish I can say sorry, but sorry just isn't enough at all.

As we were dating, I met his friend, and he and I talked about everyday, and I started to develop a crush on him. I told my boyfriend that I liked him because I didn't want to hide this from him. He really felt like.. shit. I felt horrible, but even I didn't stop there. He put up so much with me, that I didn't deserve him at all.

We had so many arguments, about trusting, keeping secrets, and basically jealously. It was just a cycle. A cycle I wish I never did and regretful of ever doing and putting him through that.

This was by far the worst thing I've ever done. I met another  one of his friends, and we talked every day, we enjoyed talking to each other. That made my boyfriend jealous, but I said nothing was going on. As time passed on, and talked more, he started to like me. He knew he couldn't like me because I was his friend's girlfriend.

There was something obviously wrong with our friendship, we were too nice, and affectionate to each other. I felt horrible because I almost destroyed their trust. We tried to talk again, as friends and no more affection, seeing how my boyfriend was close to not caring about what we do anymore.

At that point, I felt like shit for all the things I've done to my boyfriend, I don't know how he still put up with me. He doesn't deserve any of this, he's been through a lot and here I am to make it worse. He gave me too many chances, and I'm sorry for having him deal with that.

When all that happened, I chose to make a decision. Even if I did fall for those guys, there's no way I could've left my boyfriend. I decided to stop doing these things once and for all and only love my boyfriend. The one I fell in love with from the beginning, the one who I made fall in love with me too. I don't want to hurt anymore. I won't do anything to hurt him anymore, I'll give him everything he deserves. Everything he would've wanted in a relationship. I want him to be happy.

I decided to change, and tell him how my days go, and how I feel or felt at a particular time, he's done a lot to support me and help me.

Of course, not everything ends in happy endings, as much as we did love each other, our distance just felt too far apart, he needed someone more supportive and ambitious, which is almost the opposite of me. I was still uncomfortable and too insecure with myself, I couldn't change that easy. He couldn't take the online relationship and stand to be with me anymore.

As time went on and on there was a lot of things that started going wrong with me, so I'm mostly to blame. He often did ignore me and our issues came down to us ignoring each other. We both kept our emotions to ourselves, because I never knew how he felt until he broke down randomly. But, I was the same as well. We were both problems, but I was the big cause. Our age was a little off too, so I can say that it was a good thing to break up.

I always knew it would happen, and I was always preparing for when we did break up, but I did every thing to change about myself to stay as long as we can. Towards the ending we just had nothing to say to each other anymore, so when he told me he was going to break up with me, I was very calm about it since I knew and understood, it was a very mutual breakup. It shocked him about how I went about it. He probably expected me to overreact or cry and I knew I would if I hadn't prepared myself a few days prior.

Our relationship was a very rocky one, we broke up about 3 times, off and on, but this was official. We broke up after about 2 years, but I've done so many things I've regret. I feel terrible for doing all of this. I'm genuinely sorry.

Of course, I still consider him a good friend and a good person despite our situation. Even if we don't talk anymore, I never want anything bad to happen to him and I really do wish for the very best for him. I want him to have a great future. :)