My Relationships

5th: Helpless

For the very first weeks of dating him online, honestly our time together was super nice.

We got really close and very personal, but I had known him for only about a month or so. We talked or tried to talk every day to make time online.

I had met him through a game which we only talked on for a week before moving on another platform to talk and call on. I still played the game, but he stopped playing because he didn't care about it as much since he had me now.

I really did like this guy a lot, I cried about losing him and missed him. We had planned to possibly meet up if things went well. But, you see.. we got into a silly argument every day. I just wanted to talk and enjoy my time with him. I really dislike being pressured into doing something as well, which was what he did very often, I just needed time to get comfortable, which I never did feel comfortable since it was just constant pressure. He constantly made sexual remarks..

The arguments were silly, he was jealous of every guy and mentioned he just felt like every guy just made me happier.. sigh.

He always made a "joke" that one day I'm just going to up and leave, a "joke" that I'll find someone better and leave him behind. He said that, every. Single. Day. It isn't a funny joke, I even mentioned it hurt my feelings, and I tried to apply it to him, but he just said, "But you know I would never do that. " Okay.. so, why didn't you accept me when I said the exact same thing?

I also disliked how often he drank, when we met he told me he was recovering. When I told him to stop he would just always have 1 more of whatever, and end up getting sick. Came to me to make him, feel better. Plus, personal stuff in his life wasn't helping either, it made him worse. I can't do anything, nothing I said helped him because he didn't listen to what I would say to prevent it.

I loved him, I really did. I tried. I told myself I would try to change and only be with my love. But he just didn't have that trust in me like I did in him. I constantly reassured him, told him I was bad in the past, and I wasn't the same anymore, I wanted to change. He took constant advantage of me and hurt me. I thought I could finally change, and finally be with someone. After his "jokes" it just hurt my self confidence and eventually made me grew to dislike him. It ended up hurting myself and have no faith for my future.

During the last few weeks of breaking up, I didn't know what I wanted anymore, and even thought maybe being lonely is the way, and I shouldn't be in a relationship anymore. Because I liked him, so much, and because of that, I was heartbroken.

I went back to my social game we first met on, and I met a huge group of people, I was happy and hanging out with them so much.

During that time, the time of hanging out with my bf decreased. I didn't talk to him for about 5 days. But when we did talk it just felt, different. He mentioned I was more talkative, loud, and I had changed in so little time that I shocked him, and another thing he realized is that, we acted like friends.

I realized it too, and I mentioned, maybe we should break up, since he isn't in the right mind with personal stuff going on with him, and I'm over here trying to figure out whether or not I would want to date again. It was the truth, but it felt like an excuse just to finally leave him.

We decided to take a break from each other, but eventually it just became a breakup without me even saying it's officially over. About 4 weeks after that, he called me, drunk, and saying he still liked me a lot, all I did was awkwardly laugh and say, "Oh.. okay haha." I had completely moved on from him.. I did think about getting back time to time, but I didn't believe he would stop his "jokes", I completely lost my trust in him and stopped thinking about it anymore.

All I wish for him is the absolute best and honestly, I don't know if I can still talk to him as a friend, it's hard.

It's crazy to me, how much we have both changed, for the better and for the worse.

We dated for 1 month, but it felt like 2 since we were very close since we first started talking. I moved on easily after realizing, this isn't going to work at all, but I made a ton of new friends from that game and I'm actually happy for that.

I promised myself to not date again until 2019 because I just need time to myself to still think whether or not I should even date, but currently I am happy with new friends, new group and I'm having a very nice time.