My Relationships

6th: Opposites

2019 began, I made an entirely new friend group and started to talk to more people, of course online. Within the friend group I got along with a guy, how I met him is that I just gave him a simple friend request and talked to him a little by little until we actually started DMing more and more.

We enjoyed spending a lot of time together because I didn't really hang out with anyone else, about 3 months of chatting and hanging out together often, he expressed his feelings for me and I reciprocated and accepted him. We started dating and spent plenty of time together.

5 months later, he told me he actually wasn't much of a long distance online type of guy and said if I don't meet him soon he will just move on and leave me. I really wanted to stay, so I said I would meet. We met in June 2019. For the first time I had met someone online. I'm very shy so I couldn't make eye contact until a day or 2 later.

We lived very far apart so I was able to stay for 3 days. Months later, in October, he came down to see me. He gave me more attention than online which was nice.. He gave me my first kiss.

In December, we started to hang out less and less because I made a new friend group that actually had the same interests as I. Our relationship was getting stale and I started to feel pretty lonely. I had another guy comfort me and enjoyed doing stuff together. Eventually, he confessed to me and I was very conflicted with everything. At the time my relationship was leaving me unsatisfied and I debated on leaving because of my unhappiness.

When he confessed to me I broke down in tears because I didn't know what I wanted. Of course, I told my boyfriend what happened and he was hurt. He tried to leave me and thought leaving me was the best choice for my happiness, but I still decided to stay with him. I promised I would tell him when I would be unhappy again. Nothing more happened with the guy that confessed. We just stayed friends.

Month later, I had forgotten the feeling I felt being with my boyfriend irl, he was still very determined to be with me, but then February came by. We spent time together on Valentines and after that.. We kind of just stopped spending time with each other online. We stopped playing games together, stopped sleeping together, saying I love you didn't feel like anything.

Of course we had our arguments, it wasn't a perfect relationship, some flaws was that he would be completely rude to any new person that came up to compliment him or ask anything. He would be rude to people in online games while people are trying to have fun. He would get so incredibly upset at games so easy that it was so uncomfortable spending that time with him.

Our interests were very different, our music tastes, our games, our movie genres, so much. I felt like I was unable to talk about anything, and whenever I did talk about the things I loved he never listened to me, he would completely disregard anything I said and reply with a compliment. It always happened and it was always the worst timing.

Our conversations became stale, mundane. It was like bots talking to each other. It didn't feel real or fun. I never really considered him a best friend either. Eventually, I met another friend group because I thought maybe I should make more friends. It was probably the best decision because spending time with those people was more fun than anything and at the time spending time with my boyfriend started to feel like a chore instead.

I did stay for a while because I thought things could maybe get better and maybe waiting will be worth it...? After a long while of not talking I didn't believe it would be worth it anymore. But I still continued to stay anyways because I had no idea how to tell him. It's not like we were arguing because we barely even talked so there wasn't really anything to argue about I guess. Even so, it just felt empty.

"I know this is really really out of the blue but, can I ask you a serious question? Are you doing okay with this whole long distance thing? I'm doing okay but I'm worried you might not be happy."

He asked and I didn't know whether to say I'm okay with everything and just continue doing our automated messages and boring calls, actual example like: "Hi!" "How'd you sleep?" "You're cute!" "I love you!" "Goodnight!"

And repeat over and over for 2 or 3 months only to just wait and wait to actually spend time together irl.

I didn't feel like staying and really, I just decided to leave. I told him that I'm not fond and our relationship doesn't even feel like a relationship at all. He asked if he can fix it, which is something he can't fix like, hanging out and actually having conversations, movies that we both enjoy, his anger, him not paying attention, he can't fix those.

"Can you be serious with my next question? Do you still love me?"

"Of course I still love you, but I just don't see myself being happy with you now or even future. It's hard to see how being with each other irl would be like, I enjoyed our time but online has distanced me a bit. I do love you, but it has faded a lot. I'll be honest, even if we don't talk for a long time I don't feel the need to say anything or end up missing you because of it."

His next question was asking if I want to end it. I thought about it, and thought of all the things that made me unhappy, all the unfixable things that never changed, and said, "Yes."

He just said alright and stopped speaking to me. I don't feel sad, I feel more bad than anything. Our relationship started so nicely, but distance really just faded my love for him, we dated for 1 year and 3 or 4 months, I forgot months exactly. I feel relieved because I didn't want to keep having those same exact conversations every single day, arguing over which movie to pick, and not being able to hold a conversation without him being distracted every single moment.

I understand some things are out of his control but I couldn't stand them anymore, I'm sorry. For now, I will continue doing the usual as I have been and spend even more time with that friend group.