Where We Begin

Chapter 7 - You Aren't Being Yourself

July 4th, 2002 - Busta

I had no reason for an alarm today thanks to the holiday. Even though it was the first time in a week I had the chance to sleep in, I still found myself exhausted from a night of tossing and turning. I was plagued with nightmares of my dad or dreams of Taylor. 

I know, I know, what could be bad about dreams starring a beautiful red head? Well, it always starts great when she emerges from her pool slow motion, a la Fast Times at Ridgemont High, in the skimpiest bikini possible. But then she walks over to slap me upside the head, pull down my swim trunks and start laughing, and I realize I'm at her giant birthday party in front of the whole school. Yeah, not exactly my kind of fantasy.

Eventually, I ended up giving up on sleep all together. I laid in bed playing video games, trying to ignore the pink glow of the sun coming up through my blinds. 

Half of me was longing for Chicago, wishing I was getting ready to spend the weekend of the Fourth like I used to, with Buddy and my friends downtown; going to a Cubs games, eating hot dogs and trying to score a beer or two, sneaking up to some rooftop to watch fireworks. 

The issue was that no matter how good of a day we had back in Chicago, we always had to go home at night, and home was not a good place. The best case scenario was that dad had already passed out. Worst case was the time Buddy ended up with a broken arm. I felt like such a fucking coward, forced to stick to a story of him falling down the stairs. I recited it so many times to friends and neighbors that it almost started feeling like the truth.

Somewhere in between waves of sleep and rounds of Halo multiplayer, there was a knock on my door. I grunted at who I assumed was my mom to go away, but the door cracked open and Buddy poked his head in. 

"It's just me. Mom and Aunt Ivy went to get groceries."

"Hey, hey." I waved him into the room. 

I was unbelievably tired but I was actually kind of glad he wanted to hang. We had gone from sharing a tiny bedroom with two twin beds to sleeping on opposite ends of the house. Not only that, but Buddy had made friends like the second day we got here. He was stoked about California, unlike me, and went straight to the skate park where he met a bunch of kids going into 8th grade like him. Without my little sidekick, I was even less motivated to get out and check out our new town.

Buddy plopped down on my bed next to me and picked up the Xbox controller. "Oh man, I haven't played this since we moved! Mind?" 

"Nah, go for it. You know, my doors always open if you want to come play. I mean, unless I have the cheerleading squad in here with me, in which case, give me like 5 minutes," I joked.

"Yeah right, Busta, unless you met the squad while you were mowing lawns, I don't think that's happening.," Buddy laughed, his eyes on the screen.

I thought about Taylor and her friends by the pool. "I might have met some of them. Didn't get a chance to ask."

"That's your problem, big bro. You aren't even trying to make friends here." 

I sat straight up. "Whoa, someone has been talking to mom. Did she put you up this? To continue her grilling of me?" 

"Crap!" Buddy yelled as his character got blow up by a sticky grenade. "Nevermind, I suck at this game." He handed me the controller but I just used it to turn of the console. 

"Really, I'm serious, did mom tell you to give me a hard time?" I asked again.

"Not really. I don't need her to point out that you aren't being yourself," Buddy sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"You used to have a ton of friends. We used to hang out all the time, go to movies, go skating, whatever. You always had some great adventure planned out for us. Now you just sit in here and... I don't know, what do you do all day? Actually, don't answer that. You just aren't the old Busta anymore. What's wrong with you?"

I looked at Buddy and felt a pang in my chest. He looked so serious and concerned. He didn't look like my baby brother anymore. He had growing up and I was falling apart. I used to take care of him and now here he was, trying to help me. 

"I don't know. Back home I was in such a routine. Get us out of the house, go find some fun, come home, avoid dad, stay up all night listening for him, making sure he wasn't fighting with mom or coming to our room. Then we move here, and that routine was useless. We are safe here, and that's awesome, but it's this strange, new place. It's just kind of hitting me how tired I was of the whole thing. I'm just not feeling up to putting in the effort yet. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with myself anymore." 

I was saying all these things for the first time and it all started to finally sink in. I wasn't just exhausted from nightmares, I was exhausted from life. I could feel my face getting hot and my eyes tingling, but I fought back tears as hard as I could. I could never let Buddy see me cry.

He, on the other hand, looked pissed. 

"Busta. First of all, I went through all the same stuff you did. I know you had to go through it longer than I did, and I get that you felt like you had to protect me, but you couldn't. I still got hit, you still got hit, mom got hit too. But it's all over now. You know what you are supposed to do? Nothing! Have fun! We can finally just be normal kids. Sorry, but I'm not going to sit in the house all summer just because it's safe here, and you shouldn't either! We get to start all over."

I was in shock. I knew Buddy was a bright kid but he hit the nail on the head. 

I pictured myself as the big, strong older brother, and here was this kid literally schooling me at life. He had seen all the same shit I had, but he wasn't moping around. He wasn't avoiding new people. He wasn't alienating any hot girls who tried to give him a chance. OK, that one might be a little too specific, but damn it. I have been acting like an idiot.

"You're right. I've wasted way too much time feeling shitty," I said.

"Yeah!" Buddy exclaimed, slapping me on the shoulder. "It's time to start being the fun and cool Busta I know!"

"OK! Yeah! I have the whole day off, let's do something. What should we do?" I smiled.

"Well, these 7th grade girls that hang around with some of my friends invited everyone to a party tonight," Buddy started.

"Uhhhhh a middle school party? I don't think so, dude," I laughed.

"No, it's not their party. It's one of the girl's older sister's, and she's going to be a junior like you! Basically every teenager in the whole town is invited, it's like the biggest party of the year! They said to invite anyone cool. This is your chance to make a bunch of friends!"

My smiled faded. My newfound zest for life disappeared. "Is it Taylor Johansen's party?"

"Yeah, Kristen Johansen, that's who invited us all. Are you already going? Sweet!"

"Buddy, we need to take a rain check on this whole fresh start deal. I'm pretty sure I'm the one kid in Mt Blue who is not welcome at that party."