Where We Begin

Chapter 21 - You Are My Safe Place

July 11th, 2002 - Busta

Biking away from the beach, all I could see was red. So much so, I didn't see the pothole that blew out the half-assed duct tape patch on my front tire again. Cursing under my breath, I tossed my bike into a grassy patch on the side of the road. 

I was so mad I didn't know what to do with myself. It was at least a few more miles home, which was going to suck even without having to drag my bike back. As I stood there, trying to decide if I wanted to even bother, a white convertible pulled over next to me.

"Need a ride?" Taylor asked.

I was fuming. "Seriously Taylor, I really don't want to talk to you right now. I asked one thing of you, one damn thing, but apparently that was too much."

"Busta, I'm so sorry. I know I did something bad, but please just get in the car. Can't we talk about this? Please?" she pleaded, her eyes watery.

I grunted a non-response and lifted my bike into her backseat. I didn't have any other way to get home. For a couple minutes we rode in silence. 

"What can I do to make this right? I feel terrible." Taylor finally squeaked out.

"I don't know," I said, staring straight ahead at the dashboard. "I asked you not to tell anyone about my dad. It's not that difficult to not say anything. Where you talking about me before I got to the beach or something?"

She gulped. "No, um, I said something when I went to lunch with the girls Saturday." 

"Are you fucking kidding?!" I exploded. "You told all your friends? Damn it, Taylor!" 

She burst into tears. I didn't expect to yell so loudly at her, but I couldn't help it. 

"Can you please pull over before we crash or something?"

We happened to be passing Crescent Park and Taylor parked in the small dirt lot. "I wasn't thinking OK? They were still unsure about you and I wanted them to like you and understand what was going on. I made a mistake. I didn't tell them everything, just that he went to jail. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," she sobbed. 

"Yeah, you should be. Why does it matter if your friends like me? Why did you have to bring up my dad, you don't think they would have accepted me just being me? Yeah, they are cool, and that's great, but if I didn't like them, that would have no effect on how I felt about you. I spent a lot of time pushing away relationships, until I met you. I need to be able to trust you for this to work."

Taylor leaned back in her seat, gazing up into the clear blue sky, taking labored breathes. "Are we breaking up? Is it already over?"

I was taken aback. I was mad, but that thought had never crossed my mind. I reached over and took her hand. 

"Of course not, I'm just kind of pissed off. That doesn't mean I'm breaking up with you, but you shouldn't have told your friends my private business."

"I know. I feel horrible," she whimpered, squeezing my hand. "I wasn't thinking."

I could feel my anger fading. I knew she hadn't set out to hurt me. 

"Listen, it's going to be fine. But you have to understand, until you, I never talked to anyone about my dad or any of that. I'm still processing the whole thing, I wasn't ready for everyone I meet to already know. It's my shitty story to tell, if and when I choose to. Especially being new here."

Taylor nodded. "I'm really sorry," she repeated. 

I kissed her hand. I was beginning to feel really bad about blowing up at her.

"I know you are. I'm sorry for how I reacted. The look on your face when I yelled, it weirdly reminded me of how my mom looked before my dad was coming home, or when he started drinking. I don't ever want you to be scared of me. I don't ever want you to think I'm going to hurt you, in any way."

"I don't ever want to hurt you either." Taylor wiped her eyes. "I wasn't scared of you, I was scared of losing you so soon."

"Unfortunately, you are stuck with me," I grinned. "Should we go back to the beach? Jake and Kiki must really think I'm a loose cannon now."

"No, it's fine. They are cool. If I like you, they like you. I don't know why I was worrying about it so much." 

She leaned into me, so our foreheads were touching. We both had finally calmed down.

"Was it really that scary living with him all the time?"

"All the time." I answered quietly. "I had nowhere to go that felt safe. Home was the most dangerous place of all, and no matter where I went during the day, I knew I'd end up back there eventually. I thought about running away, but I couldn't leave my mom and Buddy behind."

"I can't imagine not feeling safe at home. Actually, I am not even sure I know what it means to feel unsafe. Mt Blue is such a bubble, nothing bad has ever really happened to me here. Just a couple big blows to my ego this past year." Taylor shifted in her seat. "You probably think I sound spoiled. Little California girl, living a cushy life."

"Not at all. You appreciate what you have. Maybe it was meant to be this way. I grew up the way I did, and you grew up the way you did, and now we found each other. Now you are my safe place."

I ran my fingers up her arm to her neck, and she let her head lean into the cradle of my palm. Her glossy eyes searched my face as I exhaled deeply. 

"Maybe that's why I was so upset when Jake said something about my dad. When I'm around you, I don't think about him. For the first time, I have something in my life that is special enough to replace all those bad memories."

"I want you to be able to talk to me about it," Taylor said. "I promise, I'm never going to speak another word of it to anyone else. But I think you have a lot more to let go of. When you are ready, I'll be there for you." 

"I..." I paused. 

Holy shit. I almost just told Taylor I loved her. Why would I do that? 

Because... I do. 

This wasn't just teenage hormones. I cared about her like I cared about my mom and brother. I would do anything for her. I would do whatever I could to keep her safe and happy. I was in love with her.

"What were you going to say?" she asked. 

"I'm very lucky to have you."

Taylor squinted her eyes and gave me a half smile, like she knew there was something more I wasn't saying. 

"I'm lucky too. But I feel like I need to make up for this disastrous afternoon." Her hand landed right above my knee. "Let's go to my pool. We are dressed for it, after all."

"Are you sure? I still haven't met your parents. I mean, as your boyfriend, instead of as the landscaping kid," I reminded her.

"They have a big real estate dinner thing in Los Angeles. They won't be home until late, so we could make out in the pool, next to the pool, in the pool house..." 

"Stop talking and step on it, woman!" I cried. 

Taylor laughed loudly and started the car. Right before she pulled back into traffic, she glanced over. "But we are still trying to take things slow, right?" 

"Of course," I agreed, even though deep down I was already convinced Taylor could be the love of my life.