Is this me?

He's not coming back

My head aches as I walked down the hallways. I know it's because my earphones are blasting music too loudly but I don't want to take the chance of hearing some of the whispers. Just because I'm used to them being there doesn't mean I don't mind. Opening my locker, I saw the photos of my friends. Tess and Riley sitting on the edge of the pool in Jack's backyard. Jack. I can't think of him without crying, and I felt the welling of tears at the corners of my eyes.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Tess's voice interrupted my thoughts as, I'm assuming, she pulled out my headphones. I turned toward her and Riley. 

"I don't know what you mean" I said monotonously. 

"That's a real load of bull" Riley said, a hiss in her voice. I took a deep breathe but did not reply. They were talking about last night. And what I did.

"First you ditch us and then we find out that you've gone to hook up with some random" Tess accused.

"He wasn't some random, okay?" I tried getting them to ease up. But there stare continued. 

"What's his name then?" Tess asked, and when I couldn't come up with anything, "Exactly".

"You know I'm just trying to get over-" I was interrupted. 

"No, your not trying to get over. If that was the case, you would woman up and deal with all those feelings you've got bottled up" Riley said.

"Instead, you sit here tainting Jack's memory with each new body you pretend is his. He's never coming back and you need to realize it" Tess said. I felt my body begin to shake and their words sunk within me. I knew they were right, but I wasn't going to give in just like that. 

"Yeah? Well, why can't I have a little fun? I spend 5 years of my life being loyal to someone who eventually left me with nothing but a bleeding heart and broken memories! I don't want that to happen again, so is it so bad that I change it up?" I yell at them, causing the people that weren't already looking at us to do just that. 

"It's wrong because a month after your boyfriend dies that you haven't even gone to visit his grave! It's wrong because you haven't said his name once. You flinch each time you hear it, or cry. We've tried to be good friends to you, but we can't if you wont let us. You have to forgive yourself. You have to forgive him." Riley screamed back at me. A sob made it's way up from my chest out of my mouth. 

"I know" I said. Their angry eyes follow me as I walk past them and out the doors of the school building.

"But I'm not ready to yet" I whisper to myself.