Is this me?

Night Time Crazy(?) Rant/Writings- 1

You don't have to read this, but I promised myself that I would publish it no matter how dumb and weird it was. IM SORRY to all who do read, because I honestly believe that you won't like this and I understand if you hate me and think I'm really weird so yeah...

I think there is something to be said about me. I think that you can tell a whole lot about who I am when you read what I write. It's actually kind of fascinating, because I do not read it the same way as you do. So, as much as I try to keep how I feel and what I'm thinking out of my characters' thoughts and actions- I can't. That is where the something needs to be said. 

Can we really ever tear ourselves apart from the people we create? I've come to think that maybe it's like having a child. You create it and you help it. You grow with them. I've decided that I can't be someone else through my writing, no matter how much I wish I could. Writing is something I've kind of always been sort of good at. I mean, words in general. When I read as a child, I soaked in words and phrases that would make people my age cringe away. Because most of them, that I know, don't even like to read. Their loss, right? 

Where was I going with this? Huh, I'm not even sure anymore. Maybe I'm just writing to be writing. I've not written in a long while and I miss it. A lot. I started this with a idea of what it was going to be about, but with every word I lose sight of that. I keep re-reading whats already been said and I can't remember. You are probably reading this and thinking about how all of this is really bad. I apologize for not having my thoughts in order. I never do. That one of my biggest problems. I usually have an idea and I don't think it through. I just start, afraid of letting it get away from me. You've no idea how many story drafts I have. Well, it's more that 10 I can tell you. 

I always felt that my writing was my way of expressing my feelings. That is still true. But, I've learned that it can't always be what you're feeling. Because no one cares about how you feel. They just want you to say you're fine so they don't feel bad when something goes wrong. They can't take the blame if they never knew something was wrong in the first place, I guess. Most people write from imagination. I've got that. Boy, do I. Maybe some write out of fear or truth, heck, I dunno. I'm not sure where all this is going, remember? I really hate when I do this. My mind goes off in tangents. That's why its hard for me to finish ANYTHING. It's 10 at night right now. I should probably go to bed. I don't want to though. 

When I go to bed, I have to watch something or listen to something. I can't sit in silence. Because silence allows my brain to travel within its darkest places. I don't like it when it does that. I start thinking about bad things, I mean not normal bad things, but bad things about myself. I sometimes want to cry about it all. I kind of want to cry now. I probably will soon. Over nothing too. I don't know why I do that, but it happens and I really can't help it. 

That's it. I've realized another reason why I write. Distraction. With words and images that different authors give me with their sentences, I can distract my brain from going insane. Surely, if I was left alone- I would definitely go a bit wayward. Is that bad? Needing such things to keep myself occupied so I don't think about dying? Let's be clear. I DONT WANT TO DIE NOR WOULD I THINK ABOUT KILLING MYSELF. I just sometimes think about death itself. You know. What it's like and if there is anything that comes after. I mean, I know everyone ask these questions. BUt I would never tell someone these things that I'm thinking. Besides you, dear reader. It's not registered to me, not really, that you are an actual person.  A living, breathing soul with thoughts of your own.

Do you think that I'm insane or crazy? Am I messed up? I can understand if you said yes. Sometimes I think I am and sometimes I believe that I'm just being over dramatic. 

Oh, I must go now. It's late and I"m literally falling asleep whilst typing. How I've managed this long- I don't even know. You don't have to respond. I mean, it would be nice to know that I'm not crazy and that maybe I've just watched too many movies and read too many books. THat'd be nice. But the worlds not really nice, is it? No, I didn't think so. 

Good-Bye and I hope you have a wonderful day/night/whatever. Till next time. xx