In Another Life (1993-1996)

I'm Outta Time

It had started out with a few blots on my vision. The little spots in the corners of my eyes were the size of a full stop. I didn't pay any attention at first. I just assumed it was because I was tired. I was wrong.

After about a week of me flinching at nothing, which turned out to be just another speck, my mum booked me an appointment at the opticians. He looked into my eye, shining a light bright enough to make me go blind, and frowned.

"I think she just needs glasses, and a few good nights sleep. Try and stay away from TVs and computers, and limit the time spent on your phone. I think your eyes are straining from constant exposure to lights, specifically screens." I was dismissed with a pair of nerd glasses and a ban from TV. The optician thought it was lights. He said I would get better from a nights sleep. He was wrong.

It was 3 days after the glasses were issued that I got the headaches. They were horrible. I spent most of those three days at school with my head on the table, fingers in my ears. I was so sensitive to sound that I cried when my friends spoke in more than a whisper. Dad decided it was time to go to the doctors. He took me down on the Thursday morning, straight after Maths. The doctor had scratched his head, looking at me.

"Stay out of school for a bit, at least until Monday. Try and sleep as much as you can and drink a lot of water. This should keep your brain nice and refreshed." The doctor had thought the headaches where caused by stress. He thought they would be gone by Monday. He was, again, wrong.

It was on Saturday morning when it became clear what was happening to me. I collapsed, falling forward straight onto the wooden floor in the dining room. There was nothing to prevent my fall and my head had a nasty lump. I was very dizzy and was throwing up everywhere.

The doctor I had never had before knew first. He was the first to see the result of the scan on my brain to see if I had a concussion. He came in to my room in the hospital, looking as somber as a grave. He motioned to my mum and dad to step outside to have a word with him. When they entered the room after five long minutes, I sat up on my pillows, due to the fact that my parents were both white as sheets and tears were forming in their eyes.

"I'm afraid you have quite a serious problem, Evelyn, your brain has a clot, quite near the centre which is causing the headaches. Good news is that our medication will stop the headaches and the eye problems. The bad news is that we cannot stop it indefinitely and it will probably get more serious. Due to this fact, you cannot leave the hospital until we can diagnose what it is. There will be a lovely room prepared for you in the youth ward." He smile and left me with my parents, all of us shocked and confused about what would happen to me in the end.

2 weeks later, I was hooked up to a complicated machine, being fed a wide array of drugs. I had seen nearly every single one of my friends from school, clubs and the village, my family had all come, all 47 of them. There was one person who I hadn't seen come. And I doubted I ever would. They were the first person I told, and they said they would be the last to see me in a hospital bed. It was pointless wasting what ever wishes I had left on a promise I knew they would keep. But I wanted to see their face, because I was struggling seeing now. Everything was faded grey and the tunnel I saw around my head was blocking the view of the pictures I had pinned around my private room I got last week. My arm skimmed lightly across the sheet until my thin fingers made contact with the object I was searching for.

The blank text I sent wasn't an accident, I was a signal. The recipient knew what it meant as much as I did. The smiling faces of me and my friends one beautiful April shone threw the web of tears. Nothing I did now could make them smile as much as then. It had been the rest of my life back then. Now the rest of my life was this, medicine and white rooms. Ill never see that beautiful British sky in the summer. Why had I complained on all those rainy days? It had been only a month ago I had been sitting at home waiting for a holiday from the daily routine of school, now it all felt like a dream.