I am shit [Jyushimatsu]

Chapter 5

WHEN FIRST INFORMED about this unexpected turn of events, Ichimatsu was the first to leave the room. All he heard from Choromatsu was Jyushimatsu's cuts and the sleeping pills he actually took twice a week he'd found out after further investigation. He didn't want to hear it. At least, not from anyone else. And he didn't want to hear anymore about that since there would definitely be some more discussion about Jyushimatsu.

He'd been there, done that. He knew what it felt. But finding out one of his own brothers was now in that scenario he didn't want anyone else to experience just felt so wrong.

Sandals lightly dragged across the floor as the fourth brother walked to his destination. As he thought, Jyushimatsu was on the roof. He was slightly closer to the edge, concerning Ichimatsu. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna jump. It's clear I'd live, haha," laughed Jyushimatsu. How could he laugh after being found out like this? Ichimatsu wasn't calmed down in the least. He took a seat next to his brother.

"So it's true?" Ichimatsu asked. "Yeah, I guess," Jyushimatsu replied. It sounded way too casual for something like this. Ichimatsu grabbed Jyushi's arm. Immediately, he pulled back and was already backed up a little. When had he gotten so. . . Distant? Paranoid? Tense? He didn't know the right word to describe this.

But he felt a slight pang of distrust stab him. Ichi and Jyushi were close pals, and Ichi thought he was the first person Jyushi would have told if something were to happen. But he wasn't. Hell, from what he heard even as he exited, he voluntarily showed RisingFappySki what he'd done but didn't seem to trust Ichimatsu at all to see. "I'm. . . Sorry, Ichimatsu-niisan," Jyushimatsu spoke a moment later. He lied back and rolled up his long sleeves. Half his arm was covered in bandages. Ichi hesitated a bit but poked at it. This felt so unreal. Jyushi didn't want him to see at all. Or anyone. But he showed him anyways.

"How long has this been going on, Jyushimatsu?"

"Some two to three months."

It was longer than he thought. Ichi assumed just a few weeks. Not months. He'd let this go on too long without doing anything. If perhaps he was there with Jyushimatsu a little longer--

Alright, calm down, he hasn't killed himself yet, Ichimatsu assured. "Why didn't you tell us? Tell me? We're your brothers after all." Even though he had his usual, bored voice he was truly worried even as he lazily spoke. And through all this time, Jyushi kept smiling like an idiot.

"Sorry, Ichimatsu-niisan."

* * *

"What do you mean, Choromatsu?"

"It's exactly what it sounds like, Osomatsu-niisan."

"You're. . . Kidding, right?"

Choromatsu shook his head. His arms were folded. The only thing he'd said was," Jyushimatsu's depressed. He's been cutting himself as well," and that stirred up a bowl of confusion and shock. "He hasn't attempted suicide, has he?" Osomatsu questioned. "I don't think so. Look, I only found out recently myself. He was scared, I know. Plus he reluctantly told me about weekly sleeping pills, and how he's hurting. I thought I should tell all you. It seemed like the logical thing to do."

Ichimatsu stood up.

"Hey, Ichimatsu, were are you going?" Osomatsu asked. Ichi left without another word. "Ichimatsu. . . And Jyushimatsu. They're usually hanging out together, does Ichimatsu know?" Karamatsu asked. "Jyushimatsu said I was the first person to find out. And then, I barely found out until he actually revealed," Choro said. Todomatsu sighed. "I can't believe it."

"Yeah, well, you're not the first."

* * *

Dinner was quiet that night. Jyushimatsu wasn't there. He'd went to sleep but said he'd wake up to change and brush his teeth. Osomatsu was also with him, just accompanying him. They tried to eat calmly and normally, but this tension and awkwardness plus surprise was killing all of them. Ichimatsu sat, his knees up and under his chin. He looked. . . Anxious.

Todomatsu was beside Karamatsu. He had his face buried in his arms on the table. Karamatsu next to him was fiddling with his thumbs. Choromatsu had his hands folded on his lap. Unsure exactly of what to even do, he stood up a bit to gather attention.

"Uh, guys. . . I know we care about Jyushimatsu but we shouldn't get on his case too much. But we shouldn't exactly try to ignore it," he said. "Choromatsu-niisan, I'm having a harder time understanding you than I do Karamatsu," said Todomatsu. "What I'm saying is. . . Try not to fuss over Jyushimatsu to the max, otherwise that'd probably make things worse for him," Choromatsu explained. "It will. He'll just feel like a bigger burden than he feels he is, I know," Ichi said.

Osomatsu didn't mind Jyushimatsu's head on his lap. The yellow hooded brother was facing the wall at the moment, and his eyes were closed. He was sleeping normally. Last time that happened, they were happy for him after finding out why he'd been behaving human. This time, Osomatsu felt discomfort from it. It wasn't right.

Actually, perhaps it had something to do with the homerun girl? If so, he wondered how whatever happened had impacted him.

Karamatsu stood up. "Where are you going, Karamatsu-niisan?" Todomatsu asked him. It was almost as if he went ignored as Kara did not even bother answering and left the room. "Hey! Shittymatsu!" Ichimatsu growled, about to chase after him. Choromatsu grabbed his arm, stopping him and shook his head. "Don't. Just give him time to be alone," he reasoned. Ichi wasn't sure about it, but he sighed and sat back down, leaving just three of the brothers.