I live for her

Chapter 10: Reminisce

Emily 🌹

The door didn't budge. The hinges didn't twitch. I was done crying: I told my eyes to stop - I told them he would come out. Leroy would come out and embrace me and just like that everything would be fine.

I pulled out my phone and dialled his number - number one on speed dial. Amy had one of her suffocating laughing bouts the first time she saw me do it... And ten times after that. I didn't mind it honestly - because she wasn't there when he was. No one was when he was. I listened to his, "Hi, this is Leroy, please leave your message after the tone."

I focused on the door knob, one more time, before my eyes shifted to his picture on my phone. And I couldn't help but let one more tear wiggle out of my tear duct. I watched it slide down my face and kiss death as it kissed the concrete.

There was really only one reason why this was hurting me. The maths... the maths and reality said that the odds I'd meet another person who wouldn't leave me after I was completely and transparently vulnerable with them... was really blimming low. I'll be honest here, I barely know him - but he is like a dark mysterious flame and I am a dumb delirious moth that believes she'll find some soul that vibrates on her wavelength. No... I discard that thought, I am certain that we do have something special - Leroy and I - I know we still do. It's existent when his lips arch into a half-crescent moon as our eyes hold each other's gaze - and soul. Leroy and I have a connection that a stupid nonsensical fight could not break, he just... needs time. Yeah, time, because he has been very pensive lately, but I was hoping I'd be able to get him to share his actual thoughts with me after the visit with his mum. Well, I also had a hunch that it was his mum's op eating him up. He can be so oversensitive sometimes - and really thinks people are predictable. Sometimes, it's really cute, but he's got a conflict avoidance system. He always runs, and he always comes back - but for some odd reason, this time, I'm not so sure.

The coldness of nature's winds forced the whole incident to replay in my mind: he was fucking overreacting this time. I mean, those poems I read were scary... but, in retrospect, they were just so beautiful at the same time. I know how the following sounds, but he somehow makes wanting to die look so poetic. My favourite line was the end of one of the poems, "I place my finger on my wrist to check my blood vessel...I'm still breathing - from it, I'd rather be bleeding - to death and feel no breath." He's overreacting because - I've been through worse. And, I was going to tell him, I wanted to show him how I'm living proof that pain doesn't last forever until you actually give in. I wanted to rescue him. Yes, I was petrified at first, because I needed to digest it all, that my dark knight knew how 13 year old me felt like... And he was replicating my younger suicidal self's behaviour. I didn't know any better than to be afraid, anxious thoughts tend to catch me off guard and before I could rationalize I was thrusted into seas of anxieties. I really just want to be in there holding him and talking to him because I saw self-hate in his eyes. Wallowing in self-hate just makes it all worse, he's too stubborn to ask for help. But I know he needs it - I'll help him.

I felt the hands of a stranger cuff my left wrist. They were soft and wrinkled, so I fought off my instinct to jam my fist into his balls as I looked up slowly with anticipation. The hand belonged to an old lady with golden brown locks showing off tinges of grey.

She smiled after letting the fight or flight response of my brain switch off. "Hey, could you hold my Jerry's leash quickly? Just for a fleeting second or two."

I smiled as the Scottish terrier sniffed my open hand and licked it. I felt the thoughts of Leroy fade from the focus of my thinking as I got up and took the leash.

I tried so hard not to laugh as the old lady pulled her cap down to mask her eyes and then proceeded to cut a rose from her neighbour's garden in a sly and accurate James Bond fashion.