I Will Protect You (A Frerard neko Au)

-So-

I'm taking a break.

Here's why.

I had a group of friends and their form tutor had let them use a classroom as a safe space at lunchtimes. I met one of them and was invited to join.

It was paradise. A little garden of Eden away from the noise and discrimination. I developed trust with them and became very close to one of the boys.

One day, a couple of other boys came in and started making a fuss. The others kept asking them to leave but they wouldn't.

I lost control and yelled at them, telling them that this was our space and they had no right to be here.

Then head teacher walked in and told us to get out because we were being too loud. He banned us from using that room.

Shortly afterwards, I tried to strangle myself under the stairs.

At the last minute I backed out.

Some students found me ten minutes later and the school rang my mum. I went home early.

But that's not why I'm taking a break.

A week later, I saw these guys walking down the hall and go into that classroom.

I was over the moon. We finally had our safe space back. It was going to be okay.

The second I opened the door, one of them turned to me and said. "Out!"

I cried for a full hour and a half after that.

But you know why I stopped?

Because I convinced myself that they told me to leave because they weren't allowed any extra's in there anymore.

And I was honestly fine with that.

So long as they were safe, I didn't care.

A week after that my world  went up in flames.

The person who told me to get out came up to me one lunch time.

They said that they wanted to apologise.

I was going to tell them it was all fine. That I didn't mind not being allowed in if it ensured their safety.

Then they said this.

"It's just we don't want you around anymore because... Well nobody really 'like' likes you."

My heart shattered.

But they kept going.

"I mean, you're the reason *name* keeps running off and why *name*..."

I didn't hear the rest.

All I could hear was muffled sounds and this low whine.

I cried for two hours after that.

I was angry.

I was sad.

I was broken.

Now I don't know how I feel about it anymore.

There's a part of me that doesn't care.

But there's this little voice that just asks one question.

'What did I do?'

I though I finally had people who I could trust.

Who liked me.

But they didn't.

The boy I got close to hasn't talked to me in almost two weeks.

He's ignored all my texts.

I'm scared he's done something stupid.

Or is about to.

And if you're reading this, please text me back.

I just want you to be okay.

God, I sound so clingy.

About an hour before writing this I relapsed.

With scissors.

On my right thigh.

Everything inside my head was just so awful.

I hated it.

The cuts still sting.

I'm contemplating whether or not to tell my parents about this one.

Soooooo...

Yeah.

I'm taking a break.

Sorry.