Extraterrestrial Lives

8

She was right, what she did was wrong, but at the same time I was so much more wrong. She truly was alone and I was alright with that, more alright with that than my father being king. Just how sick am I? She needed me and all I could see was how she was ruining everything. But in reality I was the one ruining everything. I was the one that made her want to kill herself. I can feel the pain and pressure building just at the thought of it.

I let Maha go and sit up struggling to breath. Her voice comes from a long distance away. "It's alright, Rafe, I'm right here." Her hand touching me and her voice take the pressure away. I start breathing again.

I try to smile at her but I can't. "Stay in bed as long as you wish. Let me know when you are hungry and I'll take you to get something to eat.

"There isn't much for me to do to help you with this one, Maha. The only thing I can say is something you don't want to hear or will believe. I'll give you as much space as I can to allow you to think without forcing my presence on you more-I want so much more than you will believe. I can't change the past and I can't guarantee the future." I tell her and pull her tight to me one last time before letting her go.

"Your things are in my closet. Feel free to explore and make yourself at home." I slide out of the bed and grab my things and rush to the bathroom before I start crying in front of her once more. How can she possibly choose to be with me? She's right, even if I wrote in the marriage that there would be no extra females, that wouldn't stop me if I wanted someone else. The thing she doesn't understand is that I don't even look at other females anymore. My old girlfriend is furious. She thought she'd pick up where we left off before my tour started. 

She would've made an okay wife, but I wouldn't have had a problem finding someone else for the side either. And she would've been okay with that since I knew she already had someone on the side.

We are one messed up people. This system probably all started when we stopped caring so deeply for others.

One thing is for sure, I don't want a marriage like my parents. I don't want someone that I can barely tolerate being in their presence after having my children.

I know my parents weren't always like this either, but I am determined to have something better.

He all but ran away from me. I know it's because he's trying to give me space, but it still hurts. But there is no doubt he still wants me. It was hard for him to let me go, and truth to tell I didn't want him to. I don't want to let him go either.

That's where my dilemma comes in. I don't want to let him go, but I can't take these emotional roller coaster rides he keeps sending me on. Not that I've ever been on an actual roller coaster, never had enough money to go an amusement park or even the yearly fair. But I could see the railings and see the ups and downs and going around in circles that they do.

It wouldn't be right for me to deny him being with his child. I have no doubt that he wants that. The pain on his face when he talks about not being with him or her is real. So no matter what I have to arrange a way for that to happen. Maybe I should give him the child and disappear.

No, from what I've seen his condition is getting worse. Doing that would kill him.

So that leaves just staying and being on his council or staying and marrying him. Either way I'd likely see him with other women.

Now that half the decision is made comes the other half. Now I have to think of my child. Is it fair to me to deny them the rights that would come from being their father's child because I wouldn't marry their father? No. That is the most selfish thing of all I could possibly do to my child.