| Diary |

2 | 18 | 17

I'll feel better in a bit.

2/18/17

I'm writing this because for some odd reason I feel like I need to express the jumble of thoughts bouncing around my head.  No one may ever read this and to be completely honest I don't think anyone should, but who knows maybe a little insight on my life might make you feel better about yours.

I don't have a therapist but I work with many, and they always say keep a diary.  Not because you should write down important events in your life but because it helps you keep track of your emotions.

I'm a very emotional person, I just have always had a hard time showing it. Maybe because I had to grow up at a young age,  or maybe because I was an only child, or maybe because I felt like every time I opened up to people they always left me. I think that might be it, judging by the fact that my eyes teared up just writing it.

I told my friend something last week that made him sad but as much as he denied it he knew it was true.
He said, "you're the one thing that's constant in my life. I don't know why I haven't been able to hang out with you. I know I've made new friends and that's no excuse, but I miss you."

And I looked him in the eye and said, " don't worry about it. After having gone through this so many times you get used it it. Everyone leaves you in the end."

He hasn't spoken to me since but then again I feel like he left me a long time ago.

I didn't mean to make this seem sad, I just think it's a reflection of the weather combined with my loneliness right now. And before you go off worrying about me and my mental health I'll tell you I'm fine. I do have friends that I see every week and I hangout with them and talk to them almost everyday.

In fact! I'm a pretty optimistic person and I try to see the light in everyone's situation. It's when it comes to looking at myself in the mirror that I have a hard time.

Most days I'm fine, but there are darker days. (Today being one of them)

Days where I feel like no matter what I do it's never good enough, I can try my damn hardest and it never will be. Maybe I'm too hard on myself? I don't know but sometimes I feel... for lack of a better word... worthless.

  I know I'm not.

I know my brain is telling me that I should feel happy, and that I'm a flipping amazing person but it sucks because my heart doesn't believe it.

And if my heart doesn't believe it, why should I?

~ S

Listening to Yoongi's Nevermind and writing this has helped my mood already  :)