How To Raise Native Children....(On Reserve) #wattys2017

6. Unexpected

Jonathan was a lot of work. His inability to hold anything down gave me an emotional cramp. It was time I tried a "stronger" method of birth control. Condom broke, the pill didn't work, then I missed a pill and the depo shot was, entirely, a myth. I was considering an IUD. I didn't like the idea of having a foreign object sit inside my body for a large amount of time, but I felt I should try.

I went to my doctor and asked him about other possible birth control. The depo shot had caused me to gain 20 pounds per shot and screw a few things up in my body. My metabolism being one of them. My doctor explained that I couldn't take the depo shot again because of the side effects and because of said side effects, I couldn't take the birth control pill again. He said that the changes the shot made would cause the pill to make me gain weight and may not be as effective. We did talk about the IUD and surgery. I decided to use spermacidal condoms while I thought of the two options left.

A few months had gone by and I was terrified of having surgery and had worries about the IUD. I had heard scary things about it. I wanted to talk with Dr. Redding again about the things I'd heard and read online.

I had bought myself some coolers. I wanted to have a couple one weekend. Frank was gone, as usual, and I was enjoying the quiet. The kids were behaving and had gone to sleep nice and easy. I opened a cooler and sat down in the livingroom to watch a movie. I felt good.

When I finished my first cooler, I went to the kitchen and opened another one. The movie had ended and it was only 9:00 at night. I picked out another movie and got comfortable on the couch again. It was a peaceful night.

The movie ended by 11 and I had gone to open another cooler. This time I wanted to lay in bed and watch a show. Friday night and,still, no sound from any of the kids.

Jonathan was, now, two years old. He shared a room with his brother, Kevin, who was five. Eve shared a room with Haley. They were three and nine. I said I would have four children. I had hoped that I would have more of a choice as to when I'd have them. But I had my four and I was happy. Two boys and two girls.

This night, I was enjoying the quiet time. Halfway through my third cooler I started to feel a little wavey. It doesn't take much to get me drunk so I assumed that's what it was. I took another sip of my cooler and wanted to throw up. I was confused by it. I got out of bed and dumped the rest of my cooler down the sink. I put the empty bottle at the back of the counter, where the kids couldn't reach it, and ran to the bathroom. I threw up.

Afterward, I washed my face and leaned into the door frame. The last time I got sick like this from drinking, I was pregnant. I wasn't impressed. I hoped I was getting the stomach flu instead. I crawled back into bed and finished my show.

A few days later I had bought a home pregnancy test. It was positive. Frank happened to be home and he came to the bathroom to see. I showed him the test results and I punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow. What was that for?" He whined.

"Like I want to be stuck with you any longer than I need to be." I snapped. "I've been telling you to leave and you won't. I'm sick of your bullshit! You and your drunken binges and the way you treat me when you come home. You think I want to bring another baby into this?"

Frank stared at me. He didn't know what to say.

"I'm considering an abortion. I'll tell you that, right now." I pushed past him and stormed off to my room. I sat on my bed and cried.

Haley and Kevin were at school and Eve and Jonathan were in the livingroom playing and watching cartoons. I stayed in my room for about 20 minutes. I cried for 10 minutes and took 10 minutes to settle. I walked out of my room and learned that Frank had left. He didn't say anything. Just left.