HE'S MINE → JASON MCCANN

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Chapter Nine |
J a s o n  p o v

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Do I want to be rescued?

Good Question.

What if it were them who breached the site?

What if Zayn barged into the room right now?

What if she walked in here? What if she told me to leave and go with her? Would I? Would I escape with her?

Would I go with the one person I was trying to get away from in the first place?

These questions keep echoing over and over in my head. I start to mentally prepare myself, What if they're actually planning to get me out of here? Would I go? The fact that I'm having second thoughts about this is fucked up. Of course I want to see her—but for some reason I have this ill feeling that she doesn't want to see me. Why would she? I'm a fucking mess.

I saw the way she looked at me the night I turned myself in. Her face still haunts me every time I close my eyes. It's like she didn't know who I was. A mixture of betrayal, hurt & dejection was all I saw. I've brought her more pain than happiness. Look at everything I've done to her, I've walked out of her life—not once, but twice. I have traumatized her into believing that she should be with me. That she is the chosen one, the only person that can change me—to stop me from doing terrible things to people. Honestly the only person that can change me is me.

I know I've said this a million times but, I DON'T deserve her.

Think about it. Look at how her life has changed drastically over the past couple of years. I took her away from her family, stripped her of her innocence and turned her into me. I know that we both desperately—well I desperately love her, but love is not always enough. How could someone be with a person that's done all of these things to them? It's toxic. I'm toxic. Especially for her.

Isn't it her choice? Can she have a say in what's toxic for her?

Apart of me wishes that I didn't kidnap her that night. I was selfish, I took her away from everything & everyone she loved, stripping away her happiness. Although Jax was an abusive dickhead, I'm no better. I'm far worse for her than he ever was. I'll never regret saving her from him that night—ever, but what I do regret is not saving her from myself. Another thing I will never regret is loving her. It was hard to get her to reciprocate my feelings, but she eventually did.

And look at what I've done to her? Look at where I am?

So the answer is no, I don't want to be rescued.

I know I'm being a coward, I'm running away from loving someone who taught me how to love simply because of my insecurities. The thought of never seeing her face again pains me, but she'd be able to finally live a normal life. She can go to college & study god knows what, she can meet a normal guy that hasn't committed illegal crimes and that wouldn't fuck with her feelings. She can settle down & have kids that can have a normal childhood because their father isn't simply me. Without me, she can have a second chance at life.

She can't have these things with me. So, I guess I'll be a coward for her sake.

Maybe this medication is fucking with my thoughts or maybe this is how I actually feel. I'm just over analyzing everything. The fact that I actually think they'd break in to this building, especially to save my ass is crazy. I already know that Zayn fucking hates me, Matt's disappointed, Grayson feels betrayed & Josh is probably feeling a mixture of all these emotions. Not only am I a terrible boyfriend, I'm also a terrible friend. They've put up with my shit for years & me turning myself in has got to be the last straw. If I was them, I'd let my ass rot in here. I deserve to be here.

In all honesty, everyone's better off without me.

A/N: Hiiii. I know I've haven't updated in potentially 4 months. School had occupied the last bit of my free time. I had finals, Exams, SAT, Projects. It sucked not being able to update because I knew you guys were keeping up with my book & I wanted updates & I'm sorry :(

I'm officially on my summer break which means more updates. Even if there 's only a little bit of people that are still interested in my series, I'll still update for you guys. Thank you for all the readers that have endured my late updates. I appreciate it, you loyal.