Genderfluid Problems

More Relationships and My Adventures

I got home a few days ago from spending the weekend with my fiancé and his family. It was... Interesting to say the least.

I met his sisters, brothers-in-law, and friends. It was hella fun even though we didn't really go out and do stuff. (I didn't care, I was spending time with him for the first time in a year.)

Surprisingly, my gender stayed consistently agender the entire time (it's the longest stretch I've been a single gender ever).
Sex was interesting.
It had been 3 years (no lie) since I'd done actual full on frickle frackle and I was female then.
I mean it was really good, but I expected it to be weird cuz I didn't technically have a gender.
That didn't matter, though. To him either. (God I wanna gush about it but also TMI)

His sister never said anything about how androgynous I dressed or how I cringed a little when she referred to me as 'she' and not 'they'. As far as I know, his family and friends don't know I'm fluid and I felt super awkward bringing it up so I didn't. I should've.
I will the next time I see them.

I miss him already, even though it's only been a day. He was super cuddly and sweet and soooooo domestic (which is my weakness).

The only black spot is the fact that I had a small breakdown. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. Bad thoughts that I haven't had attack me in a long time ganged up on me.
I hid out in the garage under the ruse that I was smoking and cried for ten minutes.
When I came back in, I told them I had to go to the bathroom and ran upstairs, intent on trying to clean my face up and calm down so no one knew I'd been crying.
But he knew me too well and followed me. He wanted to talk about it but if I told him all that had been making me cry, I'd have been on suicide watch for the rest of the time I was there.
He asked if I wanted a Xanax (thinking I was having an anxiety attack) and I told him, "The mood I'm in, I'd take the whole bottle."
He held me for a little bit and told me that talking might help. I explained that talking would bring it all out and I'd dwell on it and it would make it worse. So he dropped it, instead focusing on making sure I eat and that I laugh.
That's what helped.
And I'm glad he dropped it, because what it was was my self-esteem plunging through the floor.
(Side note: he has this crazy thought in his head that I'm attractive or something weird like that. Unbelievable, right?)
I didn't want him worrying.

After I made myself cheer up, the rest of the trip was great and I had so much fun. I can't wait until he gets home again (he's a trucker) and I get to spend more time with him.😍😍😍