Switch Up

Chapter 12

Blair

Groaning once I heard Claire slam the door to her room shut, I wondered why I said that. Why did I push Claire away when she finally wanted to make amends? Wasn't that what I wanted? Wasn't that what I dreamt off when she cut me off in grade nine?

    I honestly wasn't so sure. When Claire cut me off in grade nine, it really hurt. It made me realize how little I meant to her and deep down, I found myself unable to forgive her. Maybe that was why I was willing to hook up with Carter beihnd her back. Maybe I was trying to get back at her.

    I ran my finghers through my hair, wondering what was wrong with me. Most of my life I had been a good person. I had tried to make sure everyone was happy, even if I wasn't. But ever since I met Carter, that changed. Suddenly I was selfish.

    Negative thoughts were consuming my mind, so I decided to call Carter to get a distraction. When I was with him, I didn't overthink anything. He was the only reason why I wasn't losing my mind.

    Carter immediately picked up when I called him. I asked him to come over and he agreed, which left me feeling relieved. One of the things I loved about Carter was that he was always ready to meet up with me. It didn't matter what the day was or what the time was, Carter always wanted to spend time with me. Honestly, the thought was nice.

    After ten minutes, Carter was suddenly at my window. I got out of bed and opened it, pausing to stare at Carter who smile upon seeing me. He was such a good guy and thinking about Claire, I knew she would be happy with him. I shouldn't be selfish, but I just couldn't. Carter wasn't something I was willing to give up yet.

    Stepping back, I thought about everything I had been through. For years no one had paid attention to me. For years everything was served to Claire on a silver platter and I was left in a corner, ignored. Just once I wanted something good in my life, so that was why I couldn't give up Carter. It was also why I couldn't forgive Claire who was the reason why I had spent my life feeling unwanted.

    Taking Carter's hand, I led him to my bed. We sat down on the edge of it and I looked at Carter who was staring at me. HIs eyes were soft as they stared at me and I stared back, thinking he deserved better. I didn't know why, but I couldn't reciprocate his feelings. My heart just didn't feel anything for him.

    "Hey, what's up?" Carter asked.

    "Nothing," I said, shrugging. "What about you?"

     Carter launched into a tale about his hockey game. He told me about how he had won the entire game for his team and he was describing what he did. But, as he spoke I could barely pay attention. Not because I wanted to be intimate with him, but because I found my mind going to Claire.

    When Claire had talked to me, she had been so sweet. She was full of smiles and so innocent. Claire had always been so sweet and bubbly actually, which made something in my gut twist since I knew I had hurt her with my words. Maybe she had hurt me in the past, but she never meant it. Claire wasn't an evil person.

    Biting my lip, I wondered why I was thinking about the good things about Claire. I wondered why I was so bothered by her offer to make amends. Even though I thought I didn't want anything to do with her, I realized I was wrong. As her words of how she missed me sprung up in my mind, I found myself growing sad. The truth was, I missed her too.

    Claire and I had been best friends when we were little. We literally did everything together. Whether it be going to the park, watching movies, or cooking, we spent every moment of our lives side-by-side. It sucked how one incident had ruined that. It was such a stupid disagreement too, which made me realize I was being petty. Maybe Claire wasn't the one I should be throwing the blame at, I was far from perfect too.

    Realizing I was overthinking once again, I realized I needed a distraction immediately. Overthinking was my worst flaw. It was something I did unintentionally and it led to me making bad decisions. Knowing that, I decided to kiss Carter to forget all my thoughts.

    Putting my hand on his chest, I leaned forward and kissed him. I kissed him as passionately as I could, wanting to forget all about Claire and my problems. Carter kissed me back immediately, just as passionately, but it didn't change anything. My mind was still on Claire and our broken bond. Being with Carter wasn't the solution anymore.

    Pulling back, I forced a smile in hopes that Carter wouldn't realize that something was wrong. Carter smiled back and I looked away, realizing he wasn't what I needed anymore. Carter wasn't a distraction because the truth was, Claire was my priority. She would always come first, even when I thought I didn't care about her.

    The truth was, I cared about Claire. No matter what she did, no matter how much she hurt me in the past, she was my sister. She was my twin, someone I had once been inseparable with. Something like that couldn't be thrown away because of a guy. Something like that couldn't be forgotten with the lips of a guy. Sighing lightly, I realized I had to let Carter go.

    Claire would always be the person who meant the most to me, even if we hadn't talk to each other in years. I could never hurt her and the truth was, I wanted to make amends with her. I wanted us to be like how we used to be. That meant, I had to say goodbye to Carter.

    I didn't have the guts to say it to his face, so I decided to just spend one last day with him. We didn't kiss or touch, we just talked and it was nice. It was peaceful and staring at him as we laid on my bed and talked, I thanked him for being there for me when I thought I had no one. I didn't say it to his face, but I said it in my mind and hoped he understood. I hoped he would also undersatnd why I cut him off, even if I didn't tell him.