Who Am I?

Chapter 1

Chapter 1 (1995) DAYA

You never know where life will take you. It is going to have it ups and downs. Lately, it is just the downs for me. As I look at myself in the mirror, a stranger stares back at me. She has no hair and her skin is pale and sickly. Her eyes are sunken in. There is a port in her chest for medicine sticking out. Her name is Cancer, she has decided to take over my body. Daya, does not exist anymore.

Who is Daya? Do I even know who I am? Most days I just sit and stare out the window. Some days it is my bedroom window, other days it is a hospital window. I just stare. The last couple of years, I think, I am just waiting to die. Who am I? Do I even have a purpose or do I just bring misery.

I hear my mother crying in the other room. The doctor told us this morning, that they give me about three more months to live. I just stared out the window as he talked. My mother held it together for me at the doctor's office. As soon as we got home, though, she went to her room to cry. Like I said, all I do is bring misery.

I knew what the outcome today was going to be before we ever went. I have been hiding the bleeding and the pain from my mother. Each day it was been getting worse. When it hurts, I just bite my lip and stare out the window. I'm tired of making my mother worry.

How can this be at only sixteen? I haven't even gotten to live my life. I have been sick since I was eight years old. It all started one day, when I fell off my bike. This huge bruise came up. The bruise kept getting bigger and bigger, it would not go away.

That's when the testing started. Imagine being eight years old, and told that you have cancer. The look of shock and grief of my mother's face still haunts me. Since then, I have had five surgeries, gone in and out of the hospital several times, taken chemotherapy, have had bone marrow transplants, and, yet, I am still sentenced to die.

All those surgeries, treatments, and medicine cost so much money. That is another thing to add to the misery that I caused. My mother had to miss so much work to take care of me. The bills piled up. So we would not go completely bankrupt, my mother had to sell our home in the city. My grandfather made us move in with him, which was out in the middle of nowhere. What about my father? My dad has never been in the picture. He left before I was born. My mother, Laurel, never speaks of him. I don't think he knows I exist. Well, I won't much longer. I guess it does not matter.

My grandfather's homestead is peaceful and quiet. I love it here. The nature calls to me in a way I don't understand. I could sit in the sun by my window all day and stare. It's unreal the flowers that surround the house. There are flowers planted here that are not supposed to survive the winter, but they always do. My mother can make anything grow. She has a green thumb.

Before the cancer, I had some of my best childhood memories here. I would play in the woods and the pastors all day.I could climb a tree faster than anyone. My grandfather said I took after my grandmother with that. He said she would be at the bottom and he would blink, she would be at the top. There is no way she could have done that. He loved to over exaggerate things. My grandmother never wanted to be cooped up in the house he always said. Always sunshine, and fresh air. That's what I want. I hate being cooped up all day. I have to worry about too many germs or exposure to the elements that might trigger something..

Up the hill, behind our house stands the original barn from 1840. Behind the old rugged barn, is an ancient oak tree. I don't know if ancient is the right word, more like enchanting. When you see the tree, it draws you near. Once you are close enough, you can feel life vibrating off of it. Just being near it, always made me feel better. At times, I swear I could hear it humming a tune. I remember hearing my mother humming that tune one time and I asked her where did she hear it. She said she did not remember. I think she was lying because she became very agitated when I asked her..