Hello.
I am depressed. Not like upset, but depressed. My life is a mess. A literal mess.
I actually hate myself. I don't know how anyone could like me cause i seem to be a disappointment to everyone. Everyone seems to expect so much from me and when I don't meet those requirements, I am hated for it. So I get a C in Physics "Oh you are dumb" but popular people get F's and everyone rejoices. Are you Mad???
I go through hell every morning. I am in the worst mood and I sit by myself on the bus. I feel useless, unwanted and wasted. Then I enter school and I sit in my form room, doing nothing. I have no phone so I cannot listen to music. I just sit there and think.
Do you know how it feels to be left out? Forgotten about? Useless? Stupid? I go through so much just to get friends and what do I get?
NOTHING!!!! Absolutely Nothing. Yes, I have a few friends but unfortunately, I am still depressed.
Every time the teacher says "Get into groups" or even worse "Get into pairs" My heart cries because most of my classes have none of my friends, and the ones that do have my friends, they always pair up with someone else. I just sit there and attempt to do the work myself cause I know no one is going to want someone like me in their group.
"Depression is the inability to construct a future"
People don't understand how I feel so I have to explain. But the truth is, no one will understand unless they have been through it. The questions that hurts me the most is:
"Are you ok?"
Let me answer this questions once and for all. No I am not ok. I will never be ok because everyone hates me I mean nothing to everyone and my existence irritates people such as me. I wish I wasn't alive right now.
I wish I had committed suicide.
I wish I was never born.
I am going to die not being ok because life is evil, life is truly evil and the only thing that keeps me going is sleep and love. My love is dying but sleep is what I long for. Sleep is my escape.
How I wish I was loved by someone other than my parents. I wish I was pretty. I wish I was happy. I wish I had an amazing life. But no I'm punished with this.
Infinite sleep is what I need. And one day I will get that. Whether I do it by force or it naturally happens. One day I will decide to leave this God-forsaken world. That will be my day of joy. When I no longer have to suffer pain. I don't care if I am forgotten about when I am dead.
At least I won't have to continue pleasing you to increase my self esteem.
At least self esteem won't exist.
At least I won't exist.
What am I?
I am depressed.
Goodbye Cruel World.
