Kiss or Kill H.S

14. Raze

"I knew it. The love between us, the fervor, it would self-destruct. Because when you love fiercely, you end up dead."

FLASHBACK

I walked the woods I knew so well; the place where I felt safest. This was where I had made many decisions in my life, the place where I let go of the past and began again. The cities and countries I have relocated to always changed, but the woods remained the same. I could be who I wanted to be, but when I met the green of nature, I couldn't hide any longer.

This was the place where little Aleksandra flew.

The place of sins and freedom.

The place I always found myself coming back to.

My life changed before my eyes. One hour ago, I was lying in bed naked, next to him, with a ring in my hand and overwhelmed with happiness. But then the dream ended and reality set in. I never had a choice; to survive I had to run and never look back. I couldn't any longer be fooled by love, the illusion, that one day would end.

I repeated the words that I once heard, "Не будь дураком, любовь не существует" (Don't be a fool, love doesn't exist).

From a young age I learned; I was stripped of my innocence and my purity washed away. The sad truth of humanity came out; good didn't exist. Some would spend a lifetime living in the shadow of holiness; hiding behind their guilt, their desires. But they all sinned. They all had dark desires and deadly sins that fueled them.

The worst evil of all- love. It was more than a misconception, perhaps a sin. Love, it did exist. I would never deny it. But the more I lived, I learned. Man only loved himself. Men were willing to put anything and everything into the raging fire for himself and no one else. Every action, every thought and every word had only one purpose: to please one's self. I had been weak for far too long; letting myself get deluded, falling into his arms, believing that one day he would choose me. I had been here before, I had suffered once, and so I learned to love only myself to survive.

I lost track of how long I had been here; lying on the grass, reminiscing about what I was preparing to leave behind. I didn't notice when the sun went down and the darkness surrounded me or the cold air that brushed my soft skin. I heard the rustle of leaves and knew I wasn't alone any more.

"Lana," Claire's voice tensed. "Harry has been looking for you all day. We were worried."

I remained quiet, lying on the grass while watching the stars. Worry didn't exist in a world full of selfish men.

"I knew I would find you here." She continued as she took a seat next to me. "This is where you go when you need to think."

I responded as I turned to face her, "It's more than that, Claire. This is my home. The only thing I have left."

She carefully examined me, hesitantly trying to understand, but she never would. "Lana, don't freeze me out. What happened?"

"It's time to go." I blankly declared the words which she had heard more than a few times. I felt her begin to shake next to me as she struggled to find the words to say. I had made a mistake staying here this long. I should have thought, past my selfish ways, to realize that in the end this would hurt her more. I had put myself first. I stayed silent as I heard the tears begin to fall, the pain come alive and the realization hit. We had to run. We always had to run.

"Lana, please." She begged. "A couple more months. Let me say goodbye."

I became angered by her weakness, "Wake up, Claire. You don't have anybody to say goodbye to. Don't fool yourself."