About Me And You (Editing)

Seventh Letter: Adeus ?

 February 5, 2014

 "And I've worn out all the reasons

To keep on knocking at your door

Could be the changing of the seasons

But I don't love you anymore"

  Vincent,

  I finally answered you in the real life. Yeah, it took me two months, but I did it. After doing the last SAT and consequentially knowing that would be probably the last chance to see you, I had to say goodbye for real. The other times didn't count because I knew I would see you again in January for our classes together. (Later, I'll talk about them). So in the middle of the night, I pretty much wrote again the sixth letter and send you the next day by Facebook. But I deleted the conversation the day after. I didn't want to be remembered about it every time I was online, I wanted to move on, so if you actually saw it or not, it will always be a mystery to me. Unless you answer me, which I doubt since I pretty sure that like me all you wanna do is forget about this situation.

  And it was supposed to stay like that: a farewell. But fate wanted play one more trick on us. Last week, I went to the movies by myself, to gain some independence. I had chosen "The Wolf of Wall Street", but I couldn't watch since it was Rated, so I had to watch the next session "I, Frankenstein". It was fine by me, I just had to think about what I would do in that one hour and half. I have to admit that my first choice was inspired by you. I knew you were a Scorsese's fan, but even imagining I could meet you (like I always did), I didn't think that you were actually there in the mall.

  The encounter was weird to say the least. After the movie, I was distracted reading "Gone Girl" in the bookstore and didn't see you coming. Only when I was getting bored with the description, I decided to return the book and look for another. And right next to its shelve, you were standing. I had pass by you to get there, but didn't notice. Once seeing you at my left, I recognized you almost at the same instant, even with your new hair cut or should I say no hair at all? The thing is I did, but you didn't. Surprised, shocked with your presence, I could only think of one thing: escape and that was what I did.

  I was never been so nervous around you. Only that time in January when we were in the same elevator. Ha, that was so awkward. Being in an area of less than 2 meters per square, almost side by side drove me crazy. At least, we were not alone. But this time, it was just you and me. I couldn't pretend to be so concentrated in the teacher or in my friends to ignore your presence like I did in the beginning of year. I had to acknowledge you and since it was so suddenly, I ran. I went to the food court to distract me, but it was too close to you, so I left the mall. I eat a sweet in a near coffee house and began to relax. There, I started questioned everything and wasn't even sure if was really you. And, then I saw how much a coward I was, I couldn't even face you for some minutes! And I was not okay with that. Wasn't I over you? I couldn't let you influence me that much. So I went back to the bookstore. In the first moment, I didn't see you there, so I went to the teen fiction section to grab "The Elite". Not finding, I decided pick again "Gone Girl" and on my way to there, you appeared right in front of me.

  Our eyes locked in the same second and I got my answers. It was really you. And by your surprised face, you hadn't seen me early. No words were exchanged between us, I guess both of us was still shocked and didn't know how to react. So, I quickly looked away and went after my book. I took it and went to the tables area to read in peace. Once there, I paid no attention to you. What time you left or if you bought something, I have no idea. I just stood there and tried not recognize your steps, like I usually did. One hour later, I left and walked around the mall until my dad picked me up. 

  At home, enjoying my rare loneliness, I collapsed in tears. I was just so overwhelmed with everything, seeing you, getting into college, moving to a new city and being by myself that I had a breakdown. And I cried, cried for hours, listening to the play list that I created about us and reading all those messages exchanged between us. And most important, I didn't care if anyone listened. I was expressing myself in what it seem the first time in ages. The pain I felt since November that was stuck inside of me and it was only expressed in attempts of writing poems and cries on the pillow was finally out. And it felt good to do it. In the end, I was emotional and physically exhausted, but in the same time, kind of relieved. I was finally freeing myself of you. I felt like those tears were my least concerning you, that the salty water symbolized a new beginning for me in a kind of twisted way. 

  That is why this letter is named "Adeus". I'm letting you go, Vincent, for real this time. I never felt so sure about something involving you. The question mark is there because who knows if we meet again thanks to destiny. I know I sound repetitive, but  I will just say this.

  Kate