Journal

...

Does it make it okay, if I say that I'm sorry. And I tell you I didn't mean what i said? Does it make it okay if I smile and I wave? Do I write with my eyes closed? Do I talk through my teeth? Do I look to the side with my eyes still glued to the screen? I sometimes wonder while awake at night-- 'Is it all in my head?' Does this situation, do my problems; make it okay if it's all in my head? Am I going crazy? Is this normal? Does that make it okay if it's normal? well...I mean maybe...

Who's to say?

I don't care what you think sometimes, it means nothing to me sometimes cause at the end of the day I'm still lonely... You can come to my roleplays.. You can like all my books, my art, my things in general.. You can talk to me all day, i'm sure of it.. but its like; I can't get the sounds and the pictures and words, and I can't write them down and then.. its just-- It's all worthless, Doesn't matter who hears it. It's not an insult or a compliment. I'm just getting it out of my system but, Until then.... I'm only writing to get it all out of my head, 'Cause it's all in my head... I'll just do another bathroom mirror staredown pep talk, It's always the good things that'll turn out an instant, then it's history. And good things-- it's always ruined when it hits me. I always fuck something up and i don't know why or don't know how but i soon end up the only one silent in a room full of screaming people. And I wont let anyone know, No one knows when I'm freaking out. So i just, find a quiet place to lay down and; Breathe in, breathe out. I think 'It's just a test of mental strength' but  then i shut my eyes and watch my worst mistakes, Like instant replay I sometimes feel just so alive, but at the same time so terrified. Its fine though, one day I won't remember, Maybe one day I'll learn to accept that nothing lasts forever. First I'm happy then I'm sad 'Cause I'll never get that moment back. Then I'm only one screaming in a room full of silent people.

......I don't know what to say anymore to people