Wild Hearts

What's In A Name?

I yawn, trapped in this state somewhere between sleeping and clinging to consciousness, then that's broken as I slip forward, almost sliding out of my chair completely.

Corin lies peacefully, a single, dim light casting an ugly yellow mask across her face. The hospital machines beep to a stale, rhythmic beat. It's already seven. I need to get home now before mum and dad freak and I have to talk David down from diagnosing me with some bullcrap reason I'm avoiding my parents. Probably something along the lines of feeling disassociated from reality, feeling angry at everyone for no good reason. I hate it, but he's probably right. In some small, twisted way.

Shit, my thoughts are going all dark and depressing again, painting the people I know as deceivers, petty humans out for their own agendas. I can't fall into that headspace. I hate it.

Our last session was so good, and I respect him so freaking much. I do. It still doesn't mean I love having to see him weekly. Sometimes it feels like I'm going out of habit, rather than because I need to. I drag myself there and I'm in a right mood. Maybe I still need to go, 'cause routine is good, or whatever. I get free biscuits. Hot chocolate if we leave the building. Sometimes I leave feeling lighter, unloading like that. The pain and anxiety don't go away entirely, but it's manageable.

I'm hungry just reminiscing about a half-eaten Jammy Dodgers packet on David's coffee table, and I place my hand against my jeans pocket, breathing out a sigh of relief as I feel the shape of the note. Isaac didn't stay long tonight, muttering some excuse about needing to check back with Connor, but he left me with a twenty-pound note. That keeps things in balance with what I'd already saved up. I was too afraid to spend the birthday money now. It's kind of dizzying having that much power, to walk into any store, buy a CD, two—I could load up a shopping trolley with half the aisles at Tescos! 

I managed some self-restraint. After Ryder broke my heart I kind of splurged. A hundred became ninety. Lots of chocolates. Mum found some wrappers poking out from under my bed. The full stash was hidden safely in my school bag, for emergencies. I told her I'd be smart with the rest. So far I've kept my promise. Some people turn to alcohol, drugs... I've seen Hell. Me? I'm attempting to get some meat on these bones.

I think about Ryder, his slender yet firm body. Shit, I know I shouldn't. Specifically his chest. His abs. Not toned like a swimmer's, but close. I could feel the press of it, hard ridges when I lay atop him that day. I never thought about another guy's body definitely not in that way. I wanted to fit into his, to possess it then. It's hard, not knowing who you are, what you like. Who you like. I tried picturing kissing girls. Nothing. But after Ryder, I started thinking about more than just kissing him. You hear all the guys at school talking about sex. Couldn't relate, but it's guy talk and makes you think when you're lonely and impressionable. Some of it sank in because once I started wanting to run my hands all over another guy's skin, I started paying way more attention to that stuff. Putting a condom on a banana in sex ed was a hell of an experience. Getting regular hardons thinking about Ryder was... A thing that happened.

When Ryder... I gulp. I mean. What he offered. I said OK at first because I was caught in an electrifying state of being, my blood hot, skin hotter. I didn't feel like myself. It was kind of like that night at the party, giddy on champagne, only numbness was replaced by an overload of sensations and hormones. If I wasn't such a bloody coward...

With my new phone and shoddy internet connection, hidden away under my sheets, I tried looking up porn, gay porn like Ryder said. It seemed a world removed. It seemed like a world for adults who drive cars and drink beer and have nine-to-five jobs. Because it was a fantasy, I masturbated and left that pleasure at that. This couldn't be my reality, not any time soon. The same darker nature inside of you that draws you to the forbidden meant I ached for a future where that was me and Ryder. Not now, but one day.