lovesick

thirty two

"Are you sure you want to go?" Normani asked me as I sat in the limousine with her.

"She's fine, Mani." Lauren squeezed my hand.

I gave them both a tight smile, choosing not to comment. Instead getting lost in my sea of thoughts once again.

It had been three months since my mother had died, three months of people telling me it was going to be okay and that it would get better. But it wasn't okay- I loved Normani with all my heart but at times she just made it worse.

I was thankful that I couldn't take her to the funeral- even though she wanted to come, I made up some excuse about how it would look weird.

But it wouldn't have, in any article that was published about me the headline would go as follows- 'Rising Star Dinah Jane, best friend to Grammy award winning, Normani Kordei, has just released....' or 'Notorious Normani Kordei has been spotted with her closest friend as of lately, newcomer, Dinah Jane..."

Something about her going with me to my mother's funeral didn't sit right with me- it made me feel panicked. So I lied.

Like I had been doing for the past three months- lying to everyone. Every time they asked how I was, I would force a smile and say fine. Normani could see through it, but she let me be.

She gave me the space I needed to cope, whilst also making sure I knew that she was there if I needed her. But I only needed one person. And she was dead.

I still sent my father money, even though my siblings were now basically living with my aunt and uncle- I still sent the money.

On the day of the funeral, I didn't harbor any resentment for my father. I had found out before him that night- he was at work at couldn't get to his phone. So they called me next.

He found out his wife had died three hours after the fact, bringing her fresh flowers and a tired smile to leave for a nurse, so when she woke up she could smile.

I couldn't be spiteful towards him- in a wrinkled black suit, bags under his red eyes and smelling of liquor. I had to put it aside, and focus on the fact that he lost someone too. No matter how cold my father had treated me, I still cried as I watched him throw the same flowers on her grave.

She was the love of his life, gone in less than an hour. I couldn't imagine what it must of felt like, I prayed I never had to.

"Dinah," I looked up, my eyes meeting Lauren's green ones. "We're here, babe." She said, indicating with her head to look outside.

Through the tinted windows I could see the long red carpet, the cluster of people- especially photographers.

I eyed them warily, an anxious feeling gathering at the bottom of my stomach. The reporters would ask questions- the media had a blast with parading the fact that my mother had died. It seemed as though every celebrity news outlet covered it- not once did they even have the decency to name my mother.

'Revisit Your Heart's Dinah Jane has just lost her mother last night due to...'

'Dinah Jane's mother has just been reported to of died, sources within the...'

I wanted to scream, tell them she had a name. Tell them that she wasn't just my mother- she was her own person.

She deserved to have a name.

"Fuck this, we're going around the back." Normani said as she eyed the mess of bright flashes.

Lauren frowned at her. "But Ally said-"

Normani cut her off with a glare as she tapped the partition.

"Fuck what Ally said, look at them Lauren." She turned her head to the driver once the glass had rolled all the way down. "Drive around, Leslie." She ordered, rolling back up the glass herself.