lovesick

thirty four

"This is your album release party- why are you out here all alone?"

I turned to the deep voice, my movements slightly exaggerated because of how much I had had to drink.

Normani wasn't here yet, she was three hours late. I ignored that fact after the first hour had passed and she hadn't returned any of my calls. Lauren had pulled me over to one of the servers, insisting that I loosen up. So I loosened up.

I gave him a sloppy grin as we stood outside of the building, my heels sinking into the ground slightly as I leaned on one of the pillars.

"I- I just needed to breathe." I said, a giggle escaping my lips for a reason unbeknownst to me. I felt funnily light- like I weighed nothing.

It was sort of the same effect Normani gave me- the feeling of weighing nothing but everything all at once. Like I could do anything but nothing.

His hands came forward, his arm going over me, offering extra support. His breath smelt of liquor as well, but he was definitely less intoxicated than I was. Especially considering this was my first time actually being drunk.

"Well, let's go breathe somewhere that isn't freezing cold." His tatted hands tightened around me as we passed people. I didn't know most of them. In fact, the only people I knew that were here were the people that worked directly on the album. Including Mike and Allyson.

Everyone else was just here because my management had invited them. I had said hello to some of them, going around the room with Charlie as he introduced me to the different people that came.

But I wasn't interested in them, the only person I was interested in hadn't shown up yet.

By the time we sat down, I didn't even know where we were anymore. The room was slightly illuminated, a glowing fish tank in the far left corner, blue and red lights bouncing off of it, then interchanging with green and purple.

Judd's arm came around me as we sat in silence for a while. My head was spinning- the room was spinning. I felt loopy- and an urge to call Normani again went through me, but I didn't know where my purse was. Lauren had probably taken it so I couldn't call Normani for the hundredth time.

"Why are you so lifted? You don't seem like the type." Judd's slurred words resounded through the empty room, creating a sort of echo. I eyed the fish in the tank- they looked like a funny mix of colors.

If I was being truthful, I had gotten that drunk in order to pass time. And in order to get through the night without crying. Everywhere I turned something would remind me of my mother, coupled with my father's indifference to me- and I needed to not think about it.

But Normani wasn't here to help me take my mind off of it. So I took each drink Lauren passed me, although I probably should of warned her that I hadn't ever been drunk before.

I had dedicated the album to her- the official copy had an inscription on the back. Just for my mother- as well as Normani. I was going to surprise her while it was unveiled, but she wasn't here to see it. I didn't know if I should go through with including it at first, in case it drew attention. But in the end, I thought about how happy it might make her, and I did it anyway.

"Lot on my mind." I said, the words fighting to get out.

Judd turned to me, his four eyes staring at me. He smiled, the jewelry in his mouth shining.

"You can tell me about it- I think you think I'm a bad guy." Judd lowered his voice, his finger coming up to his lips. "But I can keep a secret."

The more I stared at him, the more I considered it. What harm would it do to talk to him about all the things that were piling up in my head? I let him put his arm back around me, my eyes staying on the fish tank as I spoke. The different colors were too pretty to look away from.