Teagan Clarke's University Bible

Foreword: Why?

Why on Earth would I want to read the shitty memoirs of a university student?

That's what you're asking right now, isn't it? What could possibly be so fascinating about Teagan's life that will make me want to read on? Well, before we get started, here are a few things that you should know.

. . .

 - 3 Reasons To Give A Flying Fuck About Teagan! -

1) You Americans will lick this shit up.

From experience and too much exposure to media from the States, it's become clear to me that Americans just love "British" accents. You're going to get a lot of that here. Believe it or not...I'm actually British. (Sarcasm. More British stuff.) London, to be precise. You know, the accent you think belongs to all of the United Kingdom, but is actually just well-spoken southerners. Like me! This book will not only teach you about British accents, but universities, culture, slang and

oh my God I sound like I'm trying to sell you a pointless "life-changing" course. Or a *gap year*. Point is, you'll enjoy.

2) This stuff is 100% genuine.

I don't understand why my talents haven't been discovered yet. I am squeezing out the juiciest bits of my life and serving lemonade to the people. This stuff is realistic, comedy gold. Who needs Harry Styles fanfiction (I must say that's some good shit, though) when you can have me telling you about the time I woke up in a foil blanket after a night out! Oh, you wanna know the story? Well, it all started when you turned the page over and started chapter one!

3) Don't make the mistakes I did.

Essentially, I have written about my sad life to help you guys understand that you should probably do the complete opposite of everything I have done thus far since arriving at university. Should you wish to sexually experiment, do 10 shots in a night, fail modules and cry in bed all while loving and hating life simultaneously...do what I did.

. . .

Be aware that as these are the memoirs of a uni student, you can expect sex, (my usual, not politically correct) language, drugs, and the full monty. Nothing is sacred.

You may have noticed the odd asterisk (otherwise known as * or "the star thingy"). That means I'll let you know what the word/phrase means at some point in the chapter. You might need assistance.

If this doesn't convince you...you're too boring to read this anyway. ;) Hopefully your curiosity will take you to the first chapter...

Seeya there.

Teagan x

. . .

Gap year: Usually pronounced "gap yah" if you're a cunt. If someone finishes school and wants to go to university but isn't ready, they go on a gap year. There's a bit of a stereotype that this is often done by pretentious middle-class teenagers who want to "experience the world". They usually go to Asia or South America, volunteer and "connect with the people spiritually", before taking themselves back home and going to uni the following year, where they continue to look down on what they consider lesser beings. But hey! I know some very lovely gap year people. Some. Watch this. It's amazing:

. . .

Hey, it's me. Not Teagan, but the real writer, Cianna! :) I'm currently in my first year of uni myself, and thought it may be fun to create this fictional version of myself. Some of this stuff is true to my life, some is utter lies for your entertainment or plot development. Either way, enjoy hearing about the realities of British uni life. <3 

I would really love to get comments to encourage me to keep going, positive, negative, spotted typos, ANYTHING constructive! And if you get to the end and you're sad there's not more, add it to your library so you always get chapter upgrades. I hope you stick through this story with me, enjoy :)