All's Fair in Love and Business: Xavier's Story

Ch. 22

"Where are we going?" I ask, confused as we turn off the highway. My exit is the further up, I look at Xavier for an explanation.

"I want to spend the night together." He states, taking my hand in his.

My eyes involuntary narrow. "Alright, but what are we going to do about this?" I ask, wiggling my left hand. He looks a little perplexed. So, I help him. "Are you going to explain to your family at the very least, that we're not engaged?" I question. He just admitted what he did was wrong, he needs to make it right.

He gives me a his stubborn look, but it doesn't work. "We're not in a boardroom, Xavier." I remind him, unmoved by his tactics.

We stare at one another, neither giving any ground. I accept his feelings regarding us, I understand them perfectly. I want to be with him too. He sees us as the same people that we were before we broke up. Sadly, I don't. He's changed, that much is obvious to me. I've changed, too.

I'm sure he wants me to slip right back into the position I once held. I made myself available to attend any event he needed me to go to, I'd simply move my life around to accommodate his work schedule. I wont do that again. I don't want to be the last minute call or date, just to keep up appearances. I spent far too many hours chained to his side, smiling and listening to business conversations I never was apart of. Not that its his fault. I made the decision to support him. I chose to go, I could've resisted, but I loved him so much I wanted to make him happy. I didn't realize by making him happy I was holding myself back. In hindsight I wish I would've worked harder establishing my career. I owe a lot to Liz and Aaron, they let me piggyback on their dream and I did just that.

    If I'm being honest with myself, I don't know if I would change the past. I think I have learned a lot about who I am and it molded me into the person I am today. I've missed him, desperately. However, I'm still trying to figure out what I want. I wont be told by him what that is. Thats why this "proposal" irks me.

"Just because our feelings for each other are still the same, doesn't mean I'm certain that we should be together. My life has changed and so have I. I wont bend to your work meetings, dinners, events and fundraisers because you expect me to." I tell him, forthright.

"I know exactly what you want." He states, firmly. Dismissing my previous statement.

"And who am I? What do I want?" I ask, truly interested on his input.

"You're not happy, Pip. You've worked hard, I see it. You take pride in that and you absolutely should, but it isn't what you want. You want more." He says, with absolute certainty.

I nod, "And just what is that?"

"A family of your own. I want it too." He answers, his eyes holding mine.

I think of my childhood, It wasn't the best. I didn't have any family, if I got comfortable anywhere it was only briefly, then I was placed in another home to start all over again. Liz became my family, but now she's has one of her own. She doesn't need me like we once needed each other. Do I want a family, yes. Do I want to rush into one...I don't know? Truthfully, I just want to spend holidays, happy. I want someone to care that I'm another year older. I would like to wake up and hear more noise then just my coffee maker. I'm lonely, I have been for a while. I hate feeling so isolated, and he's right, I'm not happy, I'm not fulfilled.

    However, I thought we'd be together forever and I was devastated when it ended. I have to be cautious, I cant fall without knowing this isn't some knee-jerk reaction, that he wants me as I am now and that we can make this work. I don't fully trust him yet, and I don't trust myself with him either. Then there is my work. Expanding the agency is a dream of ours and I want to be a part of it. I have aspirations, a family is one of them, just not right now.