Grabbing Hold (The Motorcycle Kid #1)

64. Letters and Schemes

Elliott made his way down the boardwalk, taking deep breaths as he stared out at Lake Minley, waves rippling in the distance. He was on his way to Dr. Choi's office for the second time that week, this time with his documents in hand. He was two-thirds through his accrued military leave, and he was terrified. He wasn't blind to the reality of a PTSD diagnosis; he'd seen several soldiers discharged because they'd had too many episodes, frozen in the middle of active combat, or succumbed to the pull of drugs and alcohol as a means of dealing with their symptoms. There was still a huge amount of stigma that surrounded mental health conditions in the Army; sure, people talked about it, but it was pretty much an unspoken rule that if you ever felt yourself slipping, you "took it like a man", called it a battle scar, suppressed your emotions and got back to work.

Elliott was afraid of what would happen if he told the truth about what was going on inside his head, but he was more afraid that what happened with his sister could happen again. Emma's neck was almost fully healed up, but he still found himself reliving the entire encounter every time he considered skipping out on a session with his psychologist. He didn't want to hurt anyone else because he couldn't handle what was happening to him. Dr. Choi had been more than understanding; he'd become like a friend to Elliott, never complaining when the young man showed up without prior notice, taking the time to listen to and talk him down and finding creative ways to help him cope with the symptoms of his PTSD. He'd stopped charging Elliott a long time ago, but that hadn't stopped the latter from making sure the good shrink got his due.

He knocked on the door of the small office, smiling weakly at the receptionist, an older woman named Deana.

"Hi, Elliott, back again, I see. How are you?"

"I'm good. Better," he said honestly. "Nervous, but I'll be okay." Elliott sent the portly lady a shy smile, whih she graciously returned. "For what it's worth, Elliott, I'm proud of you. You're very brave. I wish my son could have been that brave."

The young man didn't have to think hard to put the pieces together. There was a sadness in Deana's eyes that revealed that what he'd managed to navigate had swallowed her son whole and taken him from the world before his time.

"I'm sorry," said Elliott quietly. At the same time, Dr. Choi popped out of his office, chattering away in Daegu satoori to someone on the phone. He smiled when he saw the young man, waving him inside. Elliott followed, taking his regular seat on the couch and reaching up to drag the curtains back from the window so the light could come in.

"Ah, yes, yes, we'll talk later," Seun Jin said into the phone, ending the call and paying attention to his his patient.

"You're a nervous wreck and you're hiding something," he said bluntly.

"I don't want to get discharged," Elliott immediately admitted. "I'm supposed to go back in another week-" he dropped the document on the table- "-and they might not let me stay if they find out my head's messed up."

"Was it block leave?"

"Yeah, my whole unit headed back home...well, what's left of it. We're due back on September 6th."

"Have you spoken to the resident doctor?" Seun Jin questioned. "I'm pretty sure that's the procedure, right?"

"They'll kick me out, Doc," said Elliott, clearly agitated. "I worked too hard for this, I-"

I owe it to Olly.

Elliott swallowed the words stuck in his throat, letting out a quiet huff. His fingers curled into his palms, squeezing together. Dr. Choi watched him with a careful gaze, monitoring him as he attempted to calm himself down. He was getting better at keeping his emotions in check, but the trauma ran deeper than a few therapy sessions. The wrong trigger could easily set him off, which was why the psychologist was more than a little concerned about Elliott returning to active duty so soon.