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John's POV:
I slept outside that night. My father didn't care, he never cared about me. And as for my mother, she was probably out drinking and having a 'good time'. At least that's what my dad says she does. I stood up and looked at the rising sun, deciding I should probably get to school. I grabbed my backpack that was laying on the porch and started walking to school.

Peggy bounced up to me about halfway through my route, accompanied by her sisters- Angelica and Eliza.

"Hey John!" She chimed, walking next to me.

"Hi." I said quietly.

"Are you okay? You look like you didn't get any sleep, and you're wearing the same thing you did yesterday."

"I'm completely fine, Peggy. Just leave me alone." I said and sped up my pace.

Sometimes I just get mad at people, and I need some alone time. Plus, my dad tells me that nobody truly wants to be around me. I guess it's most likely true.

"Oh, okay." Peggy said quietly and went back to walking with her sisters.

I approached the school, and saw Alexander standing outside. My eyes lit up and my mood improved. I stopped moving for a second. Peggy, who has been my best friend for as long as I can remember, didn't cheer me up.  But for some reason Alex's presence made me so happy. I became angry and stomped my foot. I don't want to be gay! I'm not gay, I'm just going through that stage... I'm really not gay... I thought, trying to convince myself and hoping it was true.

Alexander walked up to me. "Hello, John! How was your morning?"

He was so good at talking to people, I wish I could talk to people the way he could. "It was great. What about you, Lex?" I lied.

"Mine was okay. My mother kept telling me to get my homework done, but I didn't." He giggled.

I sighed at the sound of Alexander being happy. I wish I was happy. "You can copy off of mine.. If you want."

"Really? Thanks!" He exclaimed and gave me a hug. "I'll catch you later, okay?" He smiled and pulled away from me.

I shrugged. "Okay."

Alex headed off into the school, with a skip in his step.

I wish I could be like Alex. Everything about him is just so perfect. Maybe my dad would like me if I was like him. He wasn't a mess up, he wasn't stupid, he wasn't gay. I shrugged away the thought and walked into the school. I got to my classroom and set my stuff down. I sat in my desk and pulled out a freshly sharpened pencil.  I started writing as Peggy sat down across from me.

"Are you going to be rude to me all day? Because I can ask the teacher to switch me next to Maria." She snapped.

"No, I was just in a bad mood. I'm sorry." I said, looking down at my paper.

"Good." She said softening her tone and pulling out a piece of paper and a pencil.

I wrote numbers. Writing numbers always helped me calm down. I got to 723, and then the teacher dismissed us to go to recess. Alex stood up and walked over to me. "Will you still talk to me?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah." I said, nodding my head.

"Okay, meet me at the slide!" He said and raced outside.

I sighed and slowly walked outside, finding my way over to Alex. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"I need your help." He said smiling.

"Okay, what is it?" I said, slightly intrigued.

"I have a crush on Eliza, and I want you to help me get a date with her." He said proudly.

"Oh." I jammed my hands into my pockets. "I guess I'll help."

I knew it, he wasn't gay. A guy like him would never ruin his perfect attitude by being gay. Gay is wrong. My father's voice rang in my head. Gay people are sinners, and will be sent to Hell. I remember him telling me that.

"Thanks!" He said excitedly and pulled a note out of his pocket. "Give this to her."

I took the note and started walking over to where Eliza was. I came to realize that I was always the person delivering the notes, I never received them. But then again, nobody likes me. So it's understandable. I reached Eliza and handed her the note. "It's from Alexander." I said and walked away. I didn't want to go back to school, all of my friends had somebody else they liked. Maybe if I ran away, nobody would notice?

I looked over my shoulder at Eliza smiling, and waving to Alex. I looked at Peggy and Maria, giggling and teasing each other. I looked around at the world, everything slowing. It was like time was stopping. My breathing increased as I saw everybody having fun, and being with someone who enjoyed their presence. And then I suddenly realized...

Maybe it would be better if I really wasn't here? Maybe if I went away nobody would care.

//AN: y'all thanks for reading. and remember there are triggers coming up (alcoholics, abuse, suicide, self harm, etc.) if you're triggered easy, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. and the next two chapters are really depressing and i might publish them today?? idk
thanks o3o

word count: 910 words

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