gone | lams fanfic

six

John's POV
I woke up to the sound of machines. My eyes flickered open and none other than Alexander was standing over me, alongside Peggy.

"God fucking dammit!!" I screamed and started to cry.

Peggy backed up.

"John?" Alexander confronted me.

"What the hell do you want? Go away!! I'm supposed to be dead! I don't know how the fuck I'm alive!! Let me die!" I shouted and threw my fists into my sides.

"No, John." Alex said and grabbed my wrists.

I thrashed around the hospital bed, but I was so tired. I gave in and stopped moving. I stayed still for a moment, then I started to cry.

Alex shook his head sympathetically and turned to Peggy. "Do you mind if I have a moment alone with him?"

She nodded silently and walked out of the room.

Alexander took a deep breath. "John, I- I was so worried about you and I searched all over town for you. I found you in the creek and I-I..." Alex started to tear up. "The creek was filled with blood, and there were some empty pill bottles nearby. I w-was so scared. Don't ever scare me like that again!" Alex shouted, becoming angry. "Wait- Im sorry, I'm having so many mixed emotions right now. It's been so long and I can't believe I'm seeing you right now. I thought you were gone forever, but you're actually here! You're alive and well- maybe not well, but you're alive! God, you're just alive!" Alexander exclaimed and took in a big breath.

I bit my lip angrily. "It's your fault! You're the reason why I killed myself and now you're the reason I'm alive!! I hate you so fucking much!!" I screamed and pushed Alex away from me, crying.

Alex looked around, confused. "W-what?"

"Go away, Alexander!!" I cried into the pillow.

"John, what did I do? Please?" He pleaded.

"Alexander. You killed me." I sighed heavily.

"Tell me what I did!"

"It doesn't matter now, I'm alive." I said sadly.

Alex sat down at the end of the bed, he looked traumatized. He had dark bags under his eyes, his hair was a mess, his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like he had been through so much. "I just want to know." He breathed.

I rolled my eyes. "It was because of you and Eliza! Alex, I love you. I love you. I watched you be taken away right in front of me, do you know how that feels? I felt like I lost everything. You were the only person left that cared about me, and with Eliza, all your attention was on her. You never talked to me anymore! You never bothered to check up on me. If you did, maybe you would know I was suffering!! Not everyone has a perfect life like you do, Alexander. I love- loved you, and you didn't love me back."

Alex brought his hands to his face. "John-"

I cut him off. "And once you killed me, you tried to save me? You can't be a hero if you caused the problem. I don't want to be alive. I don't deserve to be alive. I'm a huge mistake, not even my parents want me. I have no friends anymore. There is nobody in the world who loves me. I'm not special. If I died, nobody would be affected. Nobody would care. You see how the kids make fun of me at school, they would be happy if I was gone forever. You just don't understand, Alexander. You could never understand."

Alex stood up and left, not saying anything.

I looked up as the door shut behind him. I ran my hand down my cut-up arm and started to cry again. He left me again, right after I had poured my feelings out to him. I slowed my breathing, trying to find anything that could possibly kill me. Then I realized that I was connected to an oxygen tank. I reached over and disconnected the machine, hoping that this would actually be the last time I breathed. The last time my heart beat.

Can't the world just let go of me already?

an// what a hoe, alex.

word count: 709 words