The Best of George Carlin

The Ten Commandments

Here's something I've got a problem with: the ten commandments. Here's my problem, why are there ten? You don't need ten. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten, it's a padded list. Here's what they did: About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people, how to keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments. Up on a mountain, when no one was around, God had given them the ten commandments.

But let me ask you this- when they were sitting around, making this shit up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine or eleven? I'll tell you why- because ten sounds official! Ten sounds important! They knew that if it was eleven, people wouldn't take it seriously, "Say what, are you kidding me, the eleven commandments? Get the fuck out of here!" But ten, ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! And to me, it's clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. We're going to start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat, the first three: pure bullshit! Sabbath day, Lord's name, strange gods, spooky language! Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. You throw out the first three commandments, you're down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect should not be automatic. They should be earned, they should be based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty: stealing and lying. So you don't need two of them. Instead you combine them and call it "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly, you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same kind of behaviour, in this case, marital infidelity. The difference is coveting takes place in the mind and I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep the idea and call this one "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly, we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.

THOU SHALT, they're going away, they're going away fast, THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain fucking stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful", you wanna get one too! Coveting creates jobs, leave it alone. You throw out coveting, you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder, the fifth commandment. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder, not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, the Middle East, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the two commandments:

THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE

and

THOU SHALT TRY  REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE MAN FROM THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fucking pocket and if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall, as long as they include one additional commandment:

THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!

- From Complaints and Grievances