A LOVE STORY, ALMOST

Avoiding Confrontation

                Let me tell you about the stupidest girl in the universe.

                This girl has never fallen in love all her life: never gone out with anybody, never had anything serious relationships with anybody, never touched hands with anybody, never kissed anybody. She only has one existing platonic relationship with a guy bestfriend for six long years that he was almost like a brother. Then one day this guy bestfriend kissed her. Now she thinks she’s falling for him.

                Taena. Hindi ko alam kung totoo to, o aftershock lang ng shocking first kiss ko. Ewan ko. Parang siguro masyado ko lang na-romanticize yung magiging first kiss ko sa pantasya ko, kaya akala ko eh in love ako sa unang-unang taong hahalik sa akin. Medyo OA din kasi ang mga expectations ko sa mga ganyan eh. Maybe this is some sort of pseudo-love. Maybe the kiss doesn’t even count.

                Maybe…

                Sana nga, ganun lang to.

               

                I haven’t stopped thinking about him since that day we kissed.

                Ang sama pa nun, hindi ko lang siya iniisip in an ordinary way, alam mo yung tipong how friends would normally think about friends. Medyo perverse na yung dating sa akin. Ako mismo nandidiri na sa sarili ko.

                I dream about him too. Sometimes it would be about the kiss. Sometimes it would be about the drinking spree. Sometimes it’s even worse: I dream of him and me holding hands… walking side by side… laughing… with my head on his sturdy shoulder…

                I try my best to shake it all off, pagkagising ko nang pagkagising sa umaga. Minsan makakalimutan ko agad. Minsan it would stick to me the whole day. Naiinis na nga ako eh. Alam mo yung parang hindi ko ma-kontrol yung sarili kong magisip ng kung anu-anong kalokohan?

                It’s like a suppressed emotion or something. I think it has always been in there, hidden, inactive, ignored. But it was triggered by the incident, and now it doesn’t stop bugging me.

                We have always been like this, best of friends. Lots of times he would hold my hand, in some rare touching occasions he would hug me. He would hold me tight. He would lean on my shoulder. It was no big deal. We were like brothers. I didn’t skip a heartbeat everytime he touches me. It was platonic. It was neutral.

                Now I couldn’t make him get near me without feeling the slightest impulse to run away and hide. He would call my name and my heart would race like a friggin’ horse. He would touch my arm and it would burn for hours. I would smell his perfume and it would linger for the rest of the day. I would see him so sweet with Reika…and it would feel like the world has crushed on me.

                Let me tell you about the stupidest girl in the universe. She has never fallen in love. Never gone out with anyone. Never had any serious relationships with anyone. At sa dinami-dami ng taong puwede niyang mahalin, best friend niya pa ang napagdiskitahan niya.

                “Rayah, are you ok?” bulong ni Janus sa tenga ko. We were sitting in the living room, watching TV. Wala na akong klase. Wala na rin siyang klase, just passing the time before niyang sunduin si Reika. I was trying to act natural. I knew I wasn’t succeeding.