A LOVE STORY, ALMOST

No, This is Truth

                “Rayah.”

                His expression was grave. My name sounded tense from his lips, and his eyes looked as if he was gonna break the news about someone dying.

                Of all the surprises. After successfully shunning me for a whole week, here he is, waiting for me outside my last class with that look in his face.

                “Janus.” I said, expressionless.

                “You wanna get something to eat?”

                Kung di ba naman gago di ba. Hindi niya ako kinausap ng isang linggo pagkatapos niya akong—uhm, molestiyahin—tapos ngayon he’s asking me to get something to eat na para lang kaming old friends na hindi nagkita ng ten years?

                “Ok.” Sagot ko.

                Now I’m sitting alone in a table for two sa pinakamalapit na McDo while he went to order something to eat. I’m not thinking anything really. After all that happened I don’t even know what the hell I’m supposed to say to him. I suppose I could confront him and hate him and all that, but I just don’t feel like doing that anymore. Pagod na ko. Ayoko nang makipag-away sa kanya, in the same way na ayoko na ring makipagtaguan.  Kung anuman ang mangyari, bahala na.

                Umupo siya sa harapan ko. He still couldn’t smile. Alam ko tinatantiya na ko.

                “So…” panimula niya. Hindi ako nagsalita. Hinintay ko lang yung sasabihin niya. “I’d say I miss you, but I don’t think it’s appropriate.”

                “I’d say I miss you too, but you’re right, it’s not appropriate.”

                “Rayah…” He reached for my hand and held it tight. “I’m sorry…”

                “It’s ok.” Sabi ko.

                “We should talk about what happened now.”

                “Yes.”

                He took a deep breath and spilled out, “I kissed you...because I wanted to.”

                I didn’t know how to react. He continued talking.

                “Look. You know the rule they have that says best friends should never fall in love? Well, I’ve been breaking that rule for years. I’ve loved you for a long time, Rayah. That’s the truth and there’s no hiding that anymore.”

                “Why didn’t you tell me?”

                “I was scared, I guess. I was scared of messing you up. Of messing us up. You know me, I wasn’t exactly fabulous with relationships. I was just scared I’d do something stupid and we break up and we’d never be friends again. That I’ll lose you forever. I didn’t want to risk that. In case you haven’t noticed, I like having you in my life”

                “You’re right.” I said quietly and withdrew my hand.

                 “I’m still scared, Rayah. I am not sure if I can be man enough for you just yet.” He held my hand yet again. “But I could try.  I really could, Rayah. If you want me to.”

                He’s my best friend. He has always been that to me. I never needed him to kiss me, or to hold my hand, or even call me his girlfriend—that is, until the past months, but even that seems so long ago.

                Funny how I’ve tortured myself for months because I can’t have him, and now, he’s making me a proposition, and I’m having second thoughts. How messed up am I?

                I don’t know, I’m just thinking. Do I really want to take it to that level? Janus and I are...wonderful as friends. If we started going out... Wait a minute, do I really want us to start going out?

                “Trying would mean breaking up with Reika.” I said quietly.

                “Yes. Yes, I know that.”

                “Do you want to break up with Reika?”

                “Well... I... If that’s what it takes...”

                “You don’t want to break up with her.”

                “That’s not what I meant...”

                “Do you see what you’re doing, Janus? You’re humouring me. You feel you should be doing this...for me.”

                “Rayah, it’s not—“

                Natawa ako. “Do you realize that I would be teasing you about this, five years from now? You’re proposing to be my boyfriend, after being the goof that you are for six years.”

                “What? No.”

                I laughed more. It was more of, a laugh of relief. I haven’t laughed in Janus’s presence for a long time. It was like a breath of fresh air.

                “Don’t make fun of me.” Janus said with a hurt look, like the one you see on a five year old who was not allowed to play outside on a good day. “You know how many times I practiced that speech, so that when we finally talk I get it perfect? I meant everything I said. I’ve squeezed my brains out for the right words to say and you laugh at it?” Medyo tumaas yung boses niya.

                I sobered up right away. 

                “Look at it this way. Hindi naman natin kelangang gawin to eh. Hindi naman pelikula to. We don’t have to hook up just to make it look like a chick flick happy ending. So we kissed. Twice. It affected me. No, wait, it tortured me. But now it’s all cool. Sure, I have fallen in love with you, but not after you kissed me. I have loved you for years, Janus, and it feels nice to hear from you that you have felt the same too. But we’re the best of friends. We don’t have to be...you know, a couple—to make sure the other won’t go away. You know I won’t, and I know you won’t. So why go all the trouble?”

                He was looking at me like he was about to say something like, “Like hell, yeah,” but maybe he didn’t want to ruin my moment.

                “As you can see, I like having you in my life.” I said with a smile. I haven’t been able to smile at him genuinely for a long time now, and it was like, the best feeling in the world to be able to do that again.

                He smiled back. “Me too.”