P. S. This is not Meant to be Found

Fuck

Well fuck.

I thought I was getting better.

Guess who was wrong. Again.

I probably went a good month-ish without being completely insane.

And I'm not sure why but for some reason my battles decided to push their way back into my head last night.

Maybe it's because Caleb stopped talking to me. I wonder if he's mad at me. Or disgusted by me.

I must've annoyed him. Yeah. That's probably it.

I guess I'll just go back to the usual. Not that it matters. Not that anyone fucking cares. I mean I'm used to it by now. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. But I still feel like shit.

********

I was sitting at the lunch table by myself today with my music blasting through my headphones. My lunch table has now been limited down to two people that I usually sit with. Pathetic. But today even they had better things to do then hang around me.

I was picking at the disgusting slop of a school lunch, wishing I could just sleep. Sleep forever. Dream. I loved dreaming. Even the nightmares. They made me feel something.

I heard the screech of a chair on tile floor over my music and turned to see Caleb with his usual striped beanie on and a tray full of food in his hand. I took out my earbud and paused the song.

"Um. Hey?" I stared at him, confused.

"Hey." he smiled.

He started eating his nachos while I tried to think of the right words to say.

"Hey don't take this the wrong way or anything...but why are you sitting with me?" I asked cautiously.

"Well why not?"

"Because you don't usually talk to me. And nobody really sits with me anyway."

"Well I do now." He smiled again.

"Um alright."

He continued eating while I kept looking at him when he wasn't looking.

"So how are you today?" He talked in between bites.

"I'm fine. How're you?" I smiled.

I wasn't fine. But I was glad somebody asked.

"Good. Can't wait for school to be over."

"Oh my god, right? Me too."

"I hate this hell hole." He glanced around the cafeteria and shuddered.

"Someone understands." I laughed.

He nodded his head in agreement.

"So what were you listening to?" he asked, grabbing my phone.

"Hey!" I protested.

Oh no. I thought. What if he thinks my music is weird. No. What if he thinks I'm weird because we don't listen to the same music. Shit.

"The Irony of Choking on a Lifesaver? Nice! All Time Low is amazing."

I smiled really wide. "Hell yeah they are."

He chuckled. "What other bands do you listen to?"

He faced my phone towards me on the lock screen so I could open it. I looked at him skeptically.

"Oh c'mon!" he rolls his eyes, "don't worry, I won't look at your nudes."

My eyes went real wide. "Ew! Caleb!"

He threw his head back laughing.

God he is so cute.

I typed in the pass code and he scrolled through the artists in my music.

"Sleeping with Sirens. Yep. Pierce the Veil. Awesome. I've seen them three times. A da-"

"What?!?" I interrupted him, "You have?!"

He nodded.

"Ughhhh life isn't fair." I crossed my arms across my chest and pouted.

"They're amazing. You have to see them in concert."

"Oh I will. No question"

"You look really determined." He laughed.

I nodded.

"Anyways..." he looked back to the phone. "A Day to Remember. YES. Mayday Parade. Awesome. Of Mice and Men. Once again, awesome."

He continued through my music for most of the rest of lunch.

The bell rang and we stood up.

"Alright. I gotta go to class. Hey, you should follow me on Instagram." He smiled.

"Uh why?" What the hell? Instagram? why? is that what guys usually ask girls?

"Cause." He smiled and took my phone. He typed in his username and followed himself.

"Okay. Later." I smiled and turned to walk away.

"Hey, wait. No hug?" he gave me the puppy eyes.

Seriously, can you be anymore attractive.

I grinned and gave him a quick hug, but he held on longer and squeezed me tighter when I started to pull away.

"Bye Annie." He finally pulled away.

"Bye."

The whole way to Algebra I felt giddy and couldn't stop smiling. I'm sure I looked like a freak to everyone. But whatever. I'm already a freak to everyone. Fuck them.

P. S. This is not meant to be found.