P. S. This is not Meant to be Found

Scream

Sometimes I want to scream.

Just to scream.

To tell everyone that I feel like shit.

How I feel- well I don't think everyone is supposed to be feeling this way and thinking these dark things. There's something wrong with me. Because if everyone else feels like this and has these thoughts then, maybe there really isn't any hope.

My parents know now.

And now I feel even more guilty about it for making them feel sad. My dad just kinda makes me feel worse because I think he's trying to be comforting...maybe...but either way it just comes out as "what's this crap I hear about your parents loving work more than you?".

So I tell them partially how I feel when they ask, but not all of it because it would all just sound so dumb and pathetic aloud.

On another note, I can't remember the last time a boy willingly talked to me before yesterday. I think I must be really lonely and needy. And pathetic. And repulsive because all of my "friends"- and I do mean all of my "friends" -have boys to talk to. Even even Bri, who has never had a boyfriend (and happens to be obnoxiously loud). Even she's gorgeous, though. Boys are always talking to or texting them or paying them some sort of attention.

The last time I even texted a boy was a probably a good two months ago and I started the conversation so it doesn't really even count. He probably just replied out of pity. Cesar is one of the sweetest people I've ever met and would never even think about hurting someone else's feelings, no matter how small a gesture.

I wish we were closer (Cesar and I) because he's a great friend. But I never really get to see him.

Oh well, guess I'll have to hang out with my other "friends". You can't see me obviously but I'm rolling my eyes at the thought. They don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. All they need is someone to vent to and that always happens to be me because I don't have anything better to do. They're super self centered and it's more like they're talking at me, rather then to me.

But it's all I've got.

And at least it's something.

In other news, I haven't talked to Caleb in a few days. I keep thinking of things to say to him if he decides to be my friend or come talk to me again.

Of course, I'm stupid to think he'll ever come talk to me again. The first time was probably just a waste of his time. He probably has far better things to consume his time. He probably has many friends and many pretty girls to talk to. Far prettier. Far smarter. Far better than I could ever be. So why waste his precious time on someone like me?

God I'm so stupid.

Just as I was thinking of being home, and imagining the comfort of blades on my wrists, someone interrupted my thoughts.

"Anne?"

I looked up from my shoes and stopped, mid-walk.

"Caleb!" I instantly smiled.

Woah. Maybe I just sounded way too eager. Calm down Anne. Don't screw up a potentially good thing.

P. S. This is not meant to be found.