Burning Out

Chapter 3

"I draw with silver and it turns red"
Song: I Don't Wanna Live Forever by Zayn and Taylor Swift

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My parents were rarely home. I know I'm supposed to be happy when they come home but I'm not. I get angry that they are never home most of the time. They don't know about my issues. They don't know how much my depression puts more pressure on me. I never was the kind to open up about something. I always kept to myself and put on a strong exterior. I walls were now stronger than ever, after I let myself love my parents only to realize that they never loved me. Depressions sucks, but embracing it makes it easier.

My family used to move a lot when I was younger. I never had stable friends until 2nd grade. My parents decided that it would 'benefit' me and my brother if we stayed in one place while they moved around the world. They came home twice a year, sometimes missing Christmas or even my brother's or my birthday. I had gotten used to it. When we were younger, we used to live with one of our aunts but she died when I was 13 and my parents let us live alone with a nanny who comes on weekends.

          I unlocked the door and entered to see my parents typing away on their phones. They were the CEOs of Hawkinson Enterprise, so they were busy even when they came over. Both my parents looked up and stood up when they saw me. "Come here darling," my mom welcomed me with outstretched arms. I gave both my parents big hugs.

"How are you guys?" my mom asked once we had all settled down. "Good, I guess," I told, unable to look at my parents in the eye. It hurt more when they were home. "How are your studies going?" my dad asked. My heart clenched. Not anything about me. Not anything about my life. Studies. Grades. That was everything for them, wasn't it? "I've been getting above 90's in all my subjects," I responded. They never noticed how unhappy my voice sounded. "Good... but by the end of this semester, I want everything above 95," my dad responded. Tears threatened to spill. This is all they ask about after coming back. There was so many things to talk about. "I'll work on it. I need to go and study," I responded.

I kept I head down so they couldn't see the tears in my eyes. When I reached my bedroom, I let everything spill out. I clenched my pillow tightly against me, like it was all I had. I looked up at the wall, as my emotions choked me. I rocked myself backwards and forwards trying to calm myself down. My parents didn't care about me. All they wanted was the perfect girl they could show off to the society. They wanted someone who they could be proud off. They never cared about how much stress I took or my mental health. They wanted perfection. They couldn't love me with my flaws.

Once my sobs had stopped, I stood up and took my knife out. It was the only way I knew. I stood over the sink in my bathroom as I cut a line into the skin of my wrist with my knife. I bit my tongue to stop whimpers from escaping. It hurt. But it gave me happiness. It gave me satisfaction. It gave me things I could never give my parents. As the wound bled, I ran some water over it. The wound burned and I wanted to scream out loud. I felt pleasure and pain at the same time. Once the wound had stopped bleeding, I applied a band-aid to it.

          Now having felt much better, I started on my homework. There was not much homework, being in my senior year. I was already accepted into MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). It was a short drive away from my house right now. I had scored really well on the SAT and my GPA helped me get in my favorite course, Mechanical Engineering. When I grew up, I wanted to be a Design Engineer and design aeroplanes. It had been my dream job since freshman year.

        While I was doing my homework, I heard someone unlock the door. It had to be my brother. I slowly crept near the stairs to hear my parents' and my brother's conversation. " Hi Tyler! How have you been? I missed you so much!" my mom started. My mom and dad piled up question after question about Tyler's well-being and life lovingly. Tears formed in my eyes again. I tried to hold my tears back. I wouldn't cry again. I was strong and bold I told myself. The question about grades came after everything, it was last.

          They spoke so freely without me there. While I was with my parents, they were so stiff and formal. As I peeked out my hiding spot, I realized what a beautiful family they made. Tyler had gotten both of my parents' best qualities. He had my dad's platinum blonde hair and my mom's sparkling green eyes. He was about 6'3". He was my parents' perfect child. Good looks, very sociable, liked by everyone, perfect grades, perfect attitude. All in all, perfect. They made a perfect family. Maybe they would be better off without me.

          I shook the thoughts out of my mind. I was stronger and bold. I wouldn't let anyone bring me down. Not even my own parents. I went back to finishing my homework. After a while, I heard my mon call me for dinner. I went downstairs, smelling delicious pasta. I'll give my mom the credit, she's an amazing cook. Too sad neither me or Tyler got her skills at cooking.

          All is us settled at the dinner table and dug into the pasta. It's been forever since I had eaten food cooked by my mom. Tyler cleared his throat,"How long are you guys staying this time?" My Mom smiled sadly as she responded,"We are staying for the weekend and flying to New Jersey next Monday." Only two days I thought to myself. "So we aren't gonna be here for Christmas or both of your birthday, unfortunately. So, what do you guys want?" my mom asked excitedly.

My parents always got us anything we wanted. Perks of being a rich kid. But problem was, I didn't want anything. Except them being home for at least one important day to me. "Mom, I want the newest Bose headphones. And for Christmas I want HP Spectre. I heard it is so cool!" Tyler was so demanding. He always wanted the newest gadgets. As usual, I had no idea what I wanted. "I honestly don't know what I want," I told, shrugging my shoulders. "Anything for you Tyler, honey. And for you Hope, I think you should get a car. It's been years since you learnt to drive one," my mom suggested.

I thought about it. I never had any use for a car. All I went to was school and I could use the school bus. I used my brother's car or Uber if I needed to go anywhere else. But I guess a car should be okay. I don't want anything else anyways. I shrugged and agreed. "Yay," my mom clapped her hands," so me and your dad have planned to do something as a family on Saturday, which is tomorrow. And on Sunday, we could go out to Olive Garden to lunch and go to the mall or cinema. Anything you guys want to do."

I shrugged. I was okay with anything. We did the same thing every year. I expected no different. I was happy that at least I got to spend some time with my parents. Some kids didn't even have parents. I thanked my lucky stars for this. At least I knew that if I ever had a problem, I had someone to go to. The rest of the dinner was finished in silence other than Tyler talking about school and other random things. I went back up to my room to finish my homework.

It was about 11 p.m. by the time I was done with homework. As tomorrow was Saturday, I could watch Netflix on my laptop till 1 a.m. I logged into Netflix and rewatched the entire two seasons of Flash. Flash never fails to amaze me no matter how many times I watch it. As soon I was done I went to bed. I curled into a ball to preserve my warmth and I slept, a little happy that my parents were back, even if it was for a short period of time.