Burning Out

Chapter 10

"I'm slowly giving up"
Song: Breathe Me by Sia

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          Are you guys, like... a couple?" Tyler asked with an eyebrow raised. "Nope. We're just friends," I replied, wondering why Tyler was questioning me. I could see that Tyler didn't like Hunter a lot, but I thought that Tyler had warmed up to him a little. "Did the school ask him to tutor you?" Tyler continued. "No. My Chem grade was below a 95, so he just offered to help. Why are you asking though?" I asked. "I don't like having random guys over at my house," Tyler responded with a shrug. That hit my limit. First, Hunter wasn't a random guy. Second, this was my house as much as Tyler's. And I was prepared to tell him so.

          "This is my house as much as yours, Tyler. Also, Hunter is my friend," I raised my voice a little. "You've never had friends. And you're never going to," Tyler scoffed. Tears welled up in my eyes. All I ever did was care for Tyler, since our parents practically abandoned us when he was 10. But for some reason, he was still mean to me. Tyler knew that I didn't have friends. He was popular, and he liked to rub it in my face. Nobody even knew that we were siblings. According to Tyler, it would affect his 'social status,' and being siblings with a freak would affect his popularity. It hurt a lot when I realized that my own brother would abandon me for his 'social status.' More than he would ever know, the self serving brat."

          "You know what's ironic, Tyler? You're complaining about me inviting a random guy over, and he's WAY nicer than you," I spat as I ran up the stairs to my room. "He'll leave you, just like the rest did," Tyler called after me. That was the last straw. Tears started streaming down my face. Why was I so sensitive? Why was I so weak? I hated being like this. I was strong, and I knew it, but on the inside I felt hollow. And then, I don't know why, but I felt a flicker. The fire inside me was still flickering, still alive. I straightened my spine. I still had it, a flicker of hope. Gathering my dignity, I slammed shut the door to my room and rummaged in my closet for my only means of survival.

          I found my knife, pulled it out, and twirled it. It was so simple, just a plastic grip with a piece of sharp metal at the end. So simple, yet it was the key to my survival. I stood over the wash basin and wiped my eyes. I placed the knife right over my wrist, below the gauze which wrapped my previous wound. I applied slight pressure to the soft patch of skin. Right before I slit my wrist, a thought flashed through my mind. An image of Hunter. Then Will, then Elizabeth. I knew they cared for me, but there was a limit for their care. Why did I dare believe that they truly loved me? My own blood didn't love me, for crying out loud. The thought of the Evans family had made me falter, but this was my way of surviving. This had kept me alive for three years. The Evans family could go away anytime. Tyler was probably right. I'd let people trample over me so many times I couldn't let anyone else in. Not even Hunter.

          I slit my wrist. Doing it in mid-thought hurt more than usual. Unconsciously, I gasped at the sudden pain. I looked down at my now bleeding wrist, watching droplets of blood roll down it and into the sink. I washed the sink and knife, then I applied a band-aid to the wound. Thankfully, it wasn't as deep as the previous cut. I also stepped out of my clothes and took a shower. While I washed up, I thought about Tyler. I couldn't get upset over everything that had happened. It was just one of my brother's stupid teenage mood swings, wasn't it? Finally, I managed to sort out all my thoughts just as I stepped out of the shower. As I threw on pajamas and dried my hair, I realized I didn't feel hurt anymore. A slit and a warm shower was all I'd needed to sort my thoughts. I'd known that this remedy would work, mostly because Tyler and I fought more often than I'd like to admit.

          'Thanks for today' I texted Hunter. His tutoring had seriously helped me. I had never realized some of the mistakes I tended to make before, so just pointing them out helped me tremendously. We had also decided that he was going to tutor me until this Friday, since the test was next Monday and there were no more grades after that. 'I'll also pick you up from your house tomorrow. There's no need for you to drive all the way here and back just to tutor me,' I added. Satisfied with myself, I threw the phone on my bed and started with my homework. I had lost my appetite after today's fight with Tyler, but I still managed to choke down an apple. I've always made it a point to always have all three meals in a day, even when I'm not hungry.

          Although I started cutting myself only three years ago, I used to be depressed and insecure about myself even back in 7th grade. I used to starve myself, thinking it would make me feel better and make guys notice me. But then one day, I felt really sick and threw up. When I went to the nurse, she told me that I was severely underweight, and if I didn't pull my weight up, I would have to see a counselor. She also asked me if I starved myself. I denied it, and drew up a diet plan. After two years and a lot of encouragement from Tumblr posts, I was finally clean. I ate at least some fruit in all my meals, even if I wasn't hungry. I had been ashamed of my own body, but I had now regained my confidence. Instead of starving myself, I found a way to cope with my insecurities that was less harmful. I wasn't saying that cutting myself didn't harm me, it did. But if I was careful, I knew that it wouldn't affect me nearly as much as starving myself would.

          I bit into my apple as my phone vibrated. It was a text from Hunter: 'Sure ;).' I was done with my apple, so I went down to the kitchen and threw the core in the trash. While I was downstairs, I checked the time. It was 11:31 p.m. I sighed. I didn't want to go to sleep, I wasn't tired at all, and I didn't feel like reading. Then, an idea popped up in my mind. 'What you doing?' I texted Hunter. 'Nothing. Didn't feel like sleeping,' was his immediate reply. I smiled 'Same. Wanna FaceTime? I'm really bored.' He replied quickly. 'Absolutely! :).' I opened up my FaceTime and clicked on Hunter's contact. It rang for a second or two before his face came on.

          "Hello!" I exclaimed. The later it was, the more excited I became. During the night I went all out crazy, almost like I was drunk. Not that I had any experience being drunk. "Hey. Why do you seem so excited?" Hunter asked. I flopped onto my bed, and held my phone up high above my head. "Because that's just how I am. Amazing." Hunter had to bite back a smile. "Self praise is no praise, Hope." My comeback came immediately: "But I'm not praising myself. I'm stating a fact." Hunter laughed at my retort, and I smiled proudly in triumph. "Hmm... but I think there's still a person cooler than you. Here's a hint: it's me," Hunter replied. I burst out laughing at his comment. I had expected something more mature from Hunter.

          "You're so immature," I joked as I stuck out my tongue. He mimicked me, sticking his tongue out too. Well, I guess I'm not the only one who gets more immature as the night goes on. Both of us were more carefree, letting our walls down a little. Even through the screen, I could see a twinkle in his eye that I've never seen before. I stared at his eyes, as they seemed to shine and twinkle like the night sky. Was it just an effect of my phone screen? "Is there something in my nose? I can feel your stare from here," Hunter asked seriously. I laughed and shook my head, "No, there's nothing in your nose." His comment shook me out of my state of mind. I remembered what I had vowed to myself. I'd let people trample over me so many times I couldn't let anyone else in. Not even Hunter. I put my walls back up. I trusted Hunter, more than I'd like to admit. But I still couldn't let him in. I wasn't scared that he would trample over my fire; I instinctively knew that he would never do that. Instead, I feared that when he wanted to pull out, I wouldn't want to let him go. I would close all my doors, cut off all my oxygen, and inadvertently cause the fire in me to die.