Burning Out

Chapter 13

"I just feel like I'm worthless and replaceable"
Song: Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson

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          I avoided Hunter's gaze as he got into my car. If Lily could see my emotions just by looking at me, there was a possibility that Hunter could too. His eyes held some hurt, but they were still stronger than ever. "Hey," Hunter awkwardly commented, trying to start a conversation. The air surrounding us was still tense from everything that had happened yesterday. "Hey. You're still coming over to tutor me, right?" I asked. Today was the last day of school before the test on Monday. Hunter nodded in confirmation, his eyes still focused on the road. I assumed that he had given up on our conversation, and we reached school in silence.

          The first half of school was over at last, and it was finally lunch. I sat in my usual spot under the tree, and waited for Hunter while eating my sandwich. I had been waiting for about ten minutes when I felt my phone vibrate. I checked it, and saw a message from Hunter. 'I'm at the library; I need to finish an essay. I'm sorry, but I can't join you for lunch.' Suddenly, I realized that he was avoiding me. I felt a pang of hurt in my chest. I didn't do anything wrong yesterday! Why doesn't he want to see me? My head hurt from overthinking, and I quickly shook myself as my anger took over. It was his problem if he didn't want to talk to me! I didn't do anything to upset him. If he doesn't want to talk to me, it's his loss! I repeated my arguments, trying to inject the same amount of anger into them that I had the first time. For some reason, it just sounded like I was consoling myself.

          Lunch was soon over, and 6th period started. Hunter was in the class before I was. Neither of us mentioned him skipping lunch, and I'm pretty sure he could feel the anger radiating from me. Lunch was lonely today, especially since I've had Hunter's company all month. I felt like the old Hope again, abandoned, unwanted, trash. It hurt, but I directed all my feelings towards anger. It was the only solution I could think of for the pain I felt. Hunter avoided talking to me the entire time, which infuriated me further. I wanted to shake his shoulders and talk some sense into him. Make him understand that he was hurting me. See, this was why I didn't make friends. They had the ability to hurt me more than I already was! That was why I wanted to put some distance between Hunter and me. But... I never knew that the distance would hurt this much. I could feel tears well up as I contemplated it.

          A few minutes before class ended, the teacher allowed us to talk and use our phones. I prepared to turn around to face Hunter, ready to apologize for... I don't know. I hadn't done anything wrong, and he hadn't either. He was just avoiding me, which made me avoid him! We could both feel the tension in the air. All I had wanted was to put some space between us to protect me, not completely cut off our relationship! The thought alone made me want to pull my hair out. I still wanted to apologize to him though. I wanted to be the bigger person, and stop avoiding him. Mustering my courage, I turned around... and saw him with his earplugs plugged in. My eyes widened in shock. No matter what, we always shared music. Music was really important to me, and I'm pretty sure Hunter felt the same. We had the same tastes, and we always shared our music.

          It was a simple thing, yet it meant so much to me. He knew that. The sight of him keeping his music to himself and doing his own homework broke me. I turned back around, giving up on the resolve of being the bigger person. If he wanted to avoid me, so be it. I had done nothing wrong, and he was the one who had to apologize. But he hasn't done anything wrong either, and you don't even know why you're avoiding each other! my subconscious retorted.

          It didn't make sense. Why were we even avoiding each other? Did he feel what I had felt? I was so confused. Then I remembered how I was trying to put my walls back up, and he noticed that I didn't let him in anymore. That made him start putting his walls back up too. After that, I had suddenly felt this connection that pulled us towards each other... But it was interrupted by Lily, who warned me about that feeling. Now, Hunter and I were feeling out of place and awkward, and we had stopped talking to each other. But when had this turned into avoidance, anger, and hurt?

          I was feeling even more confused than before. None of this made sense! I felt this foreign feeling rattling inside of me, and I didn't want it! I needed to think more clearly, and breathe fresh air. Shaking my head, I decided to avoid confronting him right now. After school, when I was driving him home, he wouldn't be able to avoid me. I still needed air though. When the bell rang, I quickly stood up and left the class. I risked a glance back, and saw Hunter's hurt eyes staring right at me, not through me like they had been.

          I stood at my locker and shoved my Chemistry notebook into my bag. It was Friday, so I was planning to study all weekend in order to do as well as possible on the test. Hunter hadn't come to wait for me by my locker like he usually does. My eyes welled up with tears, and a small tear escaped. It slowly rolled down my cheek, but I didn't make an effort to wipe it away. If I confronted him, our friendship would either be ended or saved... Not that there was much to save anyways. The tear finally reached my chin, where it dripped down and splattered on my shirt. I didn't care. I just made sure that I didn't look too tear stained, and walked to the parking lot. There I saw Hunter was standing beside my car... With a girl. She had everything a girl should have: good looks, a good body, skinny legs, pretty red hair, etc. She was perfect. And she wasn't me.

          Why did Hunter have to hurt me so much? I had no right to stop him from making other friends, but it still hurt. I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I'm just imperfect like that. Hunter finally spotted me and waved goodbye to the red-head girl. She shot me a glare before strutting away. I unlocked the car, and Hunter got in the passenger seat. I got into the driver's seat, started the car, and sped off. Everything was quiet. I knew that I had to start up some kind of conversation, so I asked, "How was school?" I nearly slapped myself. It was the worst beginning of a conversation ever. "Good," he replied. One word answers were never a good sign. "What project did you have to do in the library?" I asked, trying to get closer to the avoided topic. "Umm... a-a-art," he stammered. I immediately knew he was lying. He had to think of a subject I didn't take, so he stammered.

          It hurt a little to see him lying to me. I had always trusted Hunter to tell me the truth. "Oh. Cool." I honestly didn't know what to say. He was lying, and I didn't know how to ask him why. Maybe I would have to stop beating around the bush. I took a deep breath before plunging into the dreaded topic. "Why are you avoiding me?" Hunter kept quiet for a moment. I knew I would regret this. I should've just kept my mouth shut. We could've saved our friendship if I didn't directly approach the subject. I knew...

          "I'm not avoiding you." Hunter's calm response interrupted my panicked train of thought. By this time, we had reached my house, and I stopped in the driveway. Tears welled up in my eyes. Now he was denying the fact that he was avoiding me! There was no way to save this friendship. He was now lying to me, and I had enough. The only thing friendships had were the ability to hurt me! I was done with trying to have friends! I could survive as a loner just fine. I looked at him with tear-filled eyes and ran out of the car. I unlocked the door to my house, and left it open for him to come in. No matter what, I would never forget common courtesy by not inviting a person in or locking them out. Throwing my car keys on a table nearby, I ran up to my room.

          I fell on my bed and broke down completely. Long, hard sobs wracked my body. I heard the beep of a car, and realized that Hunter had locked my car for me. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't even care if he saw me as a mess, or simply a weak, foolish girl. I simply didn't care. All I wanted to do was to find peace and tranquility, with my knife as the way to obtain it. But I couldn't risk it with Hunter in the house. Suddenly, I heard Hunter's footsteps coming towards my room. I stiffened in apprehension. Soon, I felt one part of the bed sink low, and I knew that Hunter had sat down on my bed. I peeked up towards him, wondering what he was going to do. I was pretty sure I had mascara running down my face, and I knew for certain that I looked like a mess.

          "Why me?" I whispered, my voice barely audible. Surprisingly, he opened his arms wide, welcoming me in. "Come here." I clambered onto Hunter's lap, finding safety in his warmth. My tears, mascara, and makeup soaked Hunter's shirt, but he didn't care. He stroked my hair until I had calmed down and my sobs had turned into gasps. I could feel my eyes yearning to close from exhaustion. Before I fell asleep in Hunter's lap, I felt him lay his chin on my head and whisper, "I'm sorry."