Burning Out

Chapter 11

"I feel like I bother people just by being alive"
Song: Chandelier by Sia

           ~~~

          I drove to Hunter's house, feeling terrible. Hunter and I had stayed up until about 12:30 a.m. We'd lost track of time while fooling around. I had finally gone to sleep only when Tyler barged into my room, screaming at me to stop giggling and let him sleep. Tyler shot Hunter a glare through the screen as he left. Hunter and I dropped our voices to whispers, but gave up on FaceTime when we realized that we couldn't hear each other. When I finally bid goodbye to Hunter and shut my phone off, I didn't doze off immediately. I was thinking about Hunter. He had slowly sneaked his way through my walls. I had only known him for, like, three weeks, but we were already acting like best friends, and I considered him to be one. I couldn't let him in like that! I don't know how he had sneaked in, but my walls were up again and I wasn't letting him in so easily this time.

          When I reached Hunter's house, he was already outside, waiting for me. I rolled my window down and said, "Come on in." He jogged up to my car and got in the passenger seat. Before I sped off, the house's door opened and I saw Will waving at me. I sent him a flying kiss and yelled, "Hey Will!" He hollered back at me, and we were having a perfectly fine conversation until Hunter had to butt his nose in and yell at Will to go back inside. "We'll be late to school if you keep this conversation going," Hunter reminded me. Realizing he was right, I bid Will farewell and sped off. "Looks like you haven't slept all night," Hunter smirked at me once we were driving away. I tried to glare at him while still focusing on the road. "It's all your fault. You were the one who kept me awake until twelve." Hunter chuckled at my accusation. We both knew that I was the one that suggested we FaceTime. At least he was being a gentleman by not pointing it out. "Ahhh. I've wanted to ride in in a Jaguar for, like, ever. I was so excited when you offered to pick me up," Hunter tried to change the topic, but I could tell, since he wasn't really subtle.

          "Ha! It's gonna be your last time," I stuck my tongue out. We both knew I was lying. He smirked at me and I turned around for that split second, my heart melting. How was I so lucky to get such a nice guy friend? His eyes were shining, causing my heart to laugh with joy. I realized why I was so happy nowadays. He was a new light in my life. He added fuel to my fire and raised it, so it was high and mighty. He broke my walls down with just a single smile. Then I realized: I liked him! The revelation didn't shock me as much as it should have though. I had known it all along, but I had just refused to accept it. I had been a goner since he had sat with me during lunch on his first day of school. Then, darkness and negativity took over. Scenarios of him leaving, and taking my fire with him, ran through my mind. My head spun. "Hey. Are you okay? You're looking a little pale," Hunter asked with concern. I looked at him, my thoughts still in a jumble. "Can you drive to school? I'm feeling a little faint," I asked, my voice merely a whisper. He nodded and I pulled over to switch places with Hunter. "Are you feeling sick? You looked fine when you came to pick me up," Hunter asked gently.

          I nodded, "Yeah. I don't know what came over me. I'm only feeling a little sick. I'll be fine in no time." My assurances didn't seem to soothe him. His beautiful eyes still contained worry as he replied, "You could go home if you wanted to." I shook my head, "I don't want to miss school. I'd have way too much makeup work if I did. I'm sure I'll be better by the time we reach school. Also, how will you go to school without a car? I'm fine, Hunter. Thanks for asking though," I smiled genuinely at him. He nodded his head, still a little distracted and worried. He had no other option, and I also had a point. However, my assurances were wrong. By the time we reached school, I wasn't feeling even remotely better. My thoughts were still in a jumble. I vowed to build my walls stronger, so strong that Hunter wouldn't be able to pass through them. I also wouldn't tell Hunter that I liked him. I was too afraid that telling him would push him away, and I would end up hurt. The only way through this was pushing him away myself. But I knew that I was being selfish. Pushing Hunter away would hurt him. All he ever wanted to do was to help the lonely girl who sat by herself during lunch. But I had to do it. It was the only way I could save myself.

          We reached school a little later than usual, and had to rush to 1st period. We reached the classroom right before the bell rang. The rest of school flew by. During lunch, I was frequently questioned by Hunter if I was sick or needed to go home. I kept refusing, and he knew insisting that I go home would go nowhere. So he changed the topic, and we talked about places Hunter should visit in Massachusetts. Every time he smiled, I would let my guard down a little, and I had to keep reminding myself to stop swooning. "Why are you being so distant?" Hunter suddenly asked. "Huh?" I looked up at him. It was 6th period, and the teacher had just finished teaching, so we were allowed to talk. "Every time I talk to you, I see this light in your eyes. It used to stay on, but today it's started to go out right after it comes," Hunter replied, looking a little sad. I knew I had hurt him, but I still couldn't let him know how I felt. I couldn't lose my only friend. "Oh. I just feel a little down today. It's not a big deal. Don't fret about it," I consoled Hunter. I didn't want to worry him.

          Soon, school was over and Hunter was waiting at my locker. "Hey," I greeted him while opening my locker. He nodded in response, deep in thought. "What are you thinking about?" I asked. "Oh. Nothing," Hunter shook his head. I could see right through his lie. I narrowed my eyes at him, but he just shrugged. I didn't want to force him to tell me though. He didn't force me to open up, and I couldn't expect him to tell me everything. This friendship was based on a lot of hidden truths. One day, they would come to light. I knew they would. I wasn't certain if our friendship would be stable anymore, when we each knew the truth about the other. Wait... I was overthinking this, right? We would be friends until the end of high school, and later if possible. Nothing would change that, I promised myself, but I didn't know how long I would be able to keep that promise before Hunter figured out what was wrong.

          Since Elizabeth had the Volkswagen, she picked Will up from daycare. That let Hunter and me drive straight back home. Hunter was silent throughout the entire ride. He was so deep in thought, he didn't notice me sneaking peeks at him. I wondered what he was thinking, but just as I was about to ask him, I remembered that I shouldn't push him. It took all my willpower to keep my mouth shut, but I still did it. I drove all the way home, still wondering what Hunter was thinking about.

Hunter's POV

          I knew. I saw it in her eyes. I saw her walls, building up every time I speak, blocking me out. I sneaked in once, but I was shut out soon. I went through what she's going through now. And I want to save her. Save her from burning out.

~~~

Dedicated to: akshitha for being the amazing friend you are and encouraging me. Also dedicated to all my other friends.