Ashes to Ashes - An ADSOM Series FanFic

Fidelity

"You're doing what?!" Rudis shouted at me, slamming his hands on my dining room table. 

"I'm going on a job, Rudis, that's all. It'll just be a few months, and then I'll be  back." I didn't want to tell him that I didn't imagine myself coming back to my stuffy office and lush apartment anytime soon. I knew that was probably more than he could handle at the moment. 

"This isn't just a job, Sin. It's the god-dammned Essen Tasch! You'll die!" 

I winced. "You have so little faith in me," I said glumly. 

"No, Sin. I have more faith in you than you could ever know. I..." He paused for a moment, his face flushed with sadness. He turned back to me, and strode across the room until he was right in front of me. He took my face in his hands gently, and I closed my eyes for a moment, enjoying the feel of his rough palms on my cheeks. "I love you, Sin. If you died, I don't know what I'd do," He whispered hoarsely. 

I opened my eyes to look at him, taking in the deep creases above his brow, and the glimmering icy blue of his eyes. He smiled faintly, nudging me a bit, "This is usually where you say I love you too," He said. 

I wanted to. I really did. He was so kind, and so caring. He was as devoted as they come, to me, to the work we did together, and to the business I relied on him to run. He was handsome, kind, and capable, but I couldn't find the words on my tongue no matter how hard I tried. There just wasn't a spark with Rudis. There wasn't enough to  get me to say it. Wether that was my incapability to form meaningful bonds with people since I'd killed my mother and watched Rona die, or Rudis himself, I wasn't sure. Either way, the silenced stretched between us, hanging in the air thickly. 

After a few more awkward moments, Rudis pushed me away, and turned towards the wall, running his hands through his hair in long deliberate movements. I took a step toward him, and said "Rudis, I-" Before I could say anything else, he cut me off, turning around and grabbing my shoulders. His eyes were fiery and full of tears, and he whispered, "Sin, will you ever love me the way I love you?" 

I thought about lying. I thought about being nice and protecting his feelings, but I couldn't bring myself to. I was going far away for a long time, and I was done lying to Rudis. "No. I don't think I will." He searched my face for a lie. A joke. Anything he could hold on to. I watched as a tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek in a distinct line. His grip on my shoulders loosened, and he stepped back, staring at me intently. Like he didn't want to believe what I'd said. Like he would rather believe anything else. 

"Rudis, I told you a million times that this wasn't the same for me as it was for you. You're so important to me, I don't know what to tell you. You've always been there."

"So that's it then. That's all I ever was, just there. Was anything real, Sin?"

"Of course it was, Rudis! You saved my life. You gave me every opportunity I've ever gotten. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you!"

"But you don't love me."

"No." 

Rudis looked so sad. So defeated. He was the strongest man I knew. He could kill a moving target from hundreds of feet away, but in that moment none of that mattered. He was just a boy who'd ben rejected by the only person that mattered to him. The silence stretched between us, full of anger and sadness and a great tension. There was a strange direness in the air that made me uncomfortable.

 I had always tried to live my life in such a way that I could get on a ship and sail to the other side of the world, and there'd be no one who would mourn my loss. Rudis was living proof that I'd failed to protect that ideal. He was my one tie to Sasenroche. My burden to bear and my gift to keep. Ending our relationship felt like a bigger deal than I wanted it to be. I knew the moment I took the job that I'd have to call it off. The plan was to go on the job, and then disappear with the money and the antari never to be seen or heard from again. Yet, for some reason, as I watched Rudis fight his tears on the other side of the room, a weight settled into my heart. 

"Anyways," I said, clearing my throat, "I need you to take care of business while I'm gone. You can even sit in my chair if you want." I laughed a little, hoping to break the awkwardness, but Rudis kept crying silently. After a few more moments, he quietly spoke. I barely made out what he said. 

"You're not coming back, are you?" 

"No," I said softly. "I'm not." 

My words seemed to snap his out of his sadness, and he stood to his full height. "Good," he said. "I hope I never see you again, Sin Clemency." His words cut me sharply, and I sucked in breath like I'd been hit. I turned towards the door, ignoring the pangs in my heart. I picked up the bag I'd packed full of mostly weapons.  I didn't look back, as I stepped out the door, and heard it slam shut behind me.