chapter 10

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 POV Hunter : 

lately I'm not sure what is wrong with me , I walk around feeling like there’s a void somewhere inside me , I'm not sure what to do anymore. before almost everything would get me happy and excited and I do mean everything, my life used to be filled with curiosity, questions that I would find answers, doing simple researches to pass my time would make me happy and motivated about life and everything in it, but now it just feels empty, my happiness and excitement completely disappeared, I feel more and more disappointed at the end of my days, dissatisfied with how another day has just passed, with nothing good to fill my void. Even talking to people I feel absolutely nothing , I'm not sure if I'm turning psychotic or if it’s something else , but even if that was true some psychopaths have some sort of motivation, but I don't ....

sitting here right now in this room, in this moment with another in the room with me I can't help but feel alone, just like the classic cliché of being in a surrounded room full of people, with me in the middle screaming at the top of my lungs but no one hear me, that's how I feel and it’s not a good feeling. it reminds me of a cold blade , touching my skin with red paint coming out , oozing out , making me at least feel something but alas I don't think that even that will make or  yet give me any motivation , at least not like it used to. Right now in this moment I’m not sure how to take my approach at anything anymore, in social situations with the rest of the pack or even when I’m at school, trying to hang out with my friends. 

the funny thing is I haven’t even thought about cutting myself in almost two years , but it’s not like I have the scars to prove it , my healing abilities , get to the cut before I can feel anything from the cut , the only thing that I use to get from cutting myself was the cool touch of the blade as well as a somewhat close glimpse of an open wound , then poof , it’s gone leaving me with no trace of pain or pleasure, not even a scar for memorabilia's sake . no one ever found out about my cutting myself not even my best friend , who is practically like a brother to me , Andy , for that I am happy but also somewhat conflicted , since I know that Andy finally found his mate , the only problem is that he’s a cutter and he’s making Andy worry about him all the time , I’m not sure how much good he thinks he’s doing with his mate, Lavi, since he doesn’t even know what it feels like to fall in to such despair that , it feels like you have no other option but to self mutilate yourself in order to feel like you’re really here in the now , to even know what it’s like to fall off the wagon just to get back on with no one’s help . I guess he’s just lucky that way, but looking at him while he so futilely tries to help his mate, just seems kind of cruel in a way.  especially the other day when he called me to help him with Lavi, although I did come I wasn’t prepared for what lied ahead, when I entered his room only to find him on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own blood, his face pale with a small smile on his face as if he discovered a climatic pleasure point, and Andy there crouched by his side holding Lavi's arms with shaky hands, and a teary face. For a moment I felt envious and regretted coming, but I knew that if I didn’t I would regret it sorely. So I did the best I could I picked up Andy to the scruff of his neck and pushed him out the door and set to work. cleaning all that blood off the floor as well as all the blood on Lavi's arms, changing his cloths and laying him on the bed all clean, before finally stepping out to check on Andy and seeing him in a panicked state, I couldn’t do anything with him since nothing I said to him actually got through to him, so I did something that I didn’t think I would to calm him down, I grabbed his face and forced myself on him. Attacking his lips was something I wasn’t planning on doing ever, it’s not like I’m against something like that it was just a bit unexpected, but I went along with my plan until he finally calmed down, and then kept going, feeling the inside of his mouth with my tongue, caressing his lips with my own until I was finally satisfied, then told him that everything was fine. after that I let my wolf take over my mind not caring what would happen afterward, only the next thing I knew I was at home in bed , it was the middle of the night and I was in a cold sweat , naked with dirt all over my body and  deer blood all over my face. I got up from bed and went to a mirror , my eyes were still in wolf form, then suddenly I see my reflection smiling back at me , and I knew my wolf was trying to tell me something.

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