Childhood (✔️COMPLETED✔️)

New friends, more loneliness

I walked outside and on to the yard where some kids were playing football and others just talking. Most of the kids were on the blacktop where all the courts and benches are but I normally go on the field to sit by a tree. I found a lonely tree and sat down by it to get some shade from the beaming sun. Once I was settled I heard my name being called. I looked around only to see Mark and his friends on the blacktop. I frowned on the inside but kept a smile on the outside. "Hey!" I called out back and waved. They ran around to the fence where the nearest opening was and ran over to me. "Hey Jack! Where were you at the cafeteria?" Mark asks a she sets his packpack down and sits next to me. The others do the same. "I was eating alone, I didn't have much to eat so I gave it to some kid named Brandon and went out here to wait for you guys.." I say plainly as Mark looked at me with shock. Why was he so surprised? "Why didn't you sit with us? Wade got hit in the face with some grapes that Ethan threw at him!" Bob says with a small chuckle. Wade blushed and hit Bob in the arm playfully. Sometimes I just can't be mad at these doofuses. "Well I saw that there wasn't any room at the table so I just went to an empty table," I say, again very plainly, as we all just lay down. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice how full the table was.." Mark says with guilt flooding his voice. I felt bad now. I put my hand to his shoulder and smiled as bright as I could. "It's ok Mark! It's just the first day!" I sat with a comforting tone of voice. We all just talk for the rest of the time we had. The hall monitors blew their whistles signally that it was time for class to begin again. We grabbed our stuff and started to walk back to our classes. I went to my last period as the bell rang.

~~~~~time skip to the end of Jack's last period because I want to~~~~

The bell rang and our laid back teacher just waved a dismissive hand followed by a "meh get out" signally that we could leave for the day. I just smiled and grabbed my stuff and walked out. I basically ran to the buses. Soon I saw Mark, Felix, Cry, Bob, Wade, Ethan, Tyler, and last but not least Ken. We all talked before we had to get on our bus. We all had the same bus except Ken, Bob, Felix, Cry, and Tyler. So it was me, Mark, Wade, and Ethan together on our bus. We took seats next to each other. Mark and I sat next to each other and Wade and Ethan sat in front of us. I was next to the window looking out at the town that sped by us. I tried not to completely fangirl over the fact that Mark was sitting next to me. I just tried to hide my noticeable blush at this point. We all lived in the same neighborhood and the others lived in the neighborhood nearby. We all lived close to each other. Soon we arrived at our stop and got off the bus with our belongings. Ethan and Ken went off to the other side of the road since their houses were over there. Mark and I were left alone. "So why didn't hang out with us at lunch today? I know something's up and I knew that it wasn't just the fact that you didn't have much to eat," Mark says and glances at me. I slightly look up at him but quickly look back down when he notices my gaze. "I just.. felt like I was forgotten, like I wasn't needed. I felt like you guys just didn't want me to be with you so I sat alone. I only ate like two chips and a fruit cup and the rest of my lunch was taken by another kid.." I mutter and look at the ground. Mark wraps an arm around my shoulders and looks down at me. Wow he has to look down at me. I'm short. I look up at him and give him a fake smile that I knew he could see right through. "I'm always gonna be here.. you have been with me ever since I moved to the new school in elementary... I wouldn't give you up for another friend in the entire world.." Mark says and smiles contently at me. I smile back and start to tear up. "Th-thank you Mark.. I wouldn't be here without you.." I say and slightly glance towards the ground. He lets his arm fall to his side as we start approaching to our houses. Soon a brown and blue haired girl came up to us and pushed me aside so she could be next to Mark. "Hey there Mark! I'm  Alyssa!" This 'Alyssa' says as she pushes me aside more. Mark noticed this as walked around Alyssa to my side. "Hey Alyssa! Nice to meet you!" Mark says trying to be cheery as he waves at her. "Oh and who's this?" She asks slightly annoyed that I was there. "Oh this is Jack! He's my friend!" Mark says as we approach his house. "Well I gotta go, this is my stop, bye Jack see you tomorrow! And bye Alyssa!" Mark says as he runs to his porch and opens the front door with his house keys. I start walking to my house, sad that Mark had left and annoyed that Alyssa was still by my side. I could feel eyes on me as I start walking a little faster trying not to make it noticeable. Alyssa followed after. I felt almost scared. She turned me around and grabbed me by my collar. "Listen Jack, I don't care what is between you an Mark but he is mine and if you can't get that straight I will do whatever it takes for me to win his heart.." Alyssa says aggressively as she walks off a different direction. I was stunned. But I knew she would win his heart. He would never be with me. I don't even think he's gay. When I got home I ran up to my room and locked my door. Only Malcolm was home. But he was outside. So I cried into my pillow. I cried knowing that if I came out I would be punished by my dad, my siblings, my friends, my school, and even Mark. Everyone would hate me even more. As these thoughts filled my head I felt myself grabbing a knife that was hidden in one of my drawers. I don't even remember opening and closing my drawer. I cried even harder as I looked at the old knife that had dried out blood stains on the blade. As tears ran down my face and onto my neck, the blade was readied at my left arm. You're ugly. Slice. You're a faggot. Slice. You're fat. Slice. You're gay. Slice. You'll never find love. Slice. No one loves you. Slice. Everyone just has pity on you. Slice. You're alone. Slice. Mark will NEVER love you. Two, no three slices. My arm was now covered in new cuts. Both my arms were covered in scars, healed cuts, and new red ones. They were ugly. I decided to take a shower. I thought it would be good for me to take a nice hot shower. I took the blade with me. I stripped myself of my clothes and turned on the water. I let the water bat on my body as I sit down in the tub. The blade still in my hand. I looked at it. Why, it's all the same reasons.. I think to myself as I looked at my thighs. They were covered in old scars. Some were healed cuts. I readied the blade at my thighs. Everyone knows you like this.. I started to cry as I sliced the blade over my skin. Some cuts overlapping others. Once I was done the cuts spelled out the word 'faggot' on my right thigh. Why do I have to be like this? Oh wait it's not my fault. The world shaped me this way, it molded my my mind to think that I needed to cut.