closer // phan

3

*three days later*

Dan was seeing Phil on Friday. He had already bought his train ticket, and practically packed his bags already. Every time the thought crossed his mind, the thought of finally seeing him, holding him close, hearing his voice in person and not through the gritty speakers of his shitty phone, his heart skipped a beat.

Dan had probably gone over everything a thousand times in his head; exhausting his brain thinking about what he'd say, and if he'd say the right or wrong things. He chosen different clothes to bring about five times, hoping he'd look okay in everything he'd picked out.

Dan kept trying things on, disappointed every single time. He'd sigh in frustration when he looked in the mirror, the image of his own body left him in a state of dissatisfaction. He hated the way it curved in certain places, he had scars and weird spots, and all he wanted was to erase them. Dan's last girlfriend had always unnecessarily criticized him on all these things and more, telling him he'd look better if he'd just work out more. He just didn't think it would've caused this much damage. He always wished he was thinner, and no one else could see why when he was already so small. But the excitement and anticipation had taken over his entire mind, somehow distracting him from those thoughts, that self-doubt. Every time he was conscious, he found himself lost in daydreams. He longed for this day to come. The fact that his parents were still under the influence that he was going to visit his 'friend' was highly amusing to both him and Phil.

Still, he'd often worry. Anxiety would take over little by little when he thought about the physical side of things. He was terrified of how Phil would react when he saw him, and furthermore, how he'd feel when he discovered Dan's inexperience. Dan knew he wouldn't be able to last long through anything they got up to, and he felt he'd disappoint. Phil was probably really experienced, given his age and the fact that he was in college and everything. Dan had sex once, and it definitely wasn't with a boy. And it could've gone a lot better.

Being in a relationship with Phil had helped him a lot, he could feel the weight of self-criticism lift from his shoulders gradually, but slowly. Phil had encouraged him to take certain pictures, even post them to his dailybooth, which he would've never done on his own. There's no way in hell. But, somehow it made him feel better, slightly more confident. Phil already had a YouTube channel with a considerable following, and most of them knew him on the other website, too. Since they'd met, many of them began paying attention to Dan, as well. He scrolled through his laptop, wincing as he caught a glimpse of his own post, his shirt off and almost everything showing except one area. He had used his arms and hands strategically to block off anything he felt insecure about, hoping Phil wouldn't see them. It didn't bother him too much when it was just a picture; what he was worried about was when Phil would really see him, feel him. He shrugged it off as his phone buzzed.

phil ❤️: i see you took my advice. ;)

dan 💓: unfortunately yes, i did.. >.<

phil ❤️: such a shame you'll have to take it down soon.. so many comments, can't have everyone seeing you this way. ;)

dan 💓: aww is someone jealous? this was your idea, you dork, don't see what you're complaining about. ;)

phil ❤️: not complaining at all. what's your skype name.

dan 💓: why? ;)

phil ❤️: tell me, now.

dan 💓: danisnotonfire

Dan thoroughly enjoyed Phil's bossiness; he knew it might bother other people, but he loved the control, the aggressive tones, the dominance..
He bounced his leg as he sat in his bed, leaving skype open and waiting for Phil to come through. They'd never done this before, and it'd be the closest they'd ever come to actually meeting. He heard the ring start up, Phil's name and picture appearing on the screen. He bit his lip anxiously before answering, messing with his hair as he tried to look however he'd thought Phil would want him to.