Keep Me Sane

You can't feel the pain, but trust me its real.

I just want to vanish. Vanish from it all. Erase my existence, so that I could never leave a trace in the first place.

Sometimes I lay in my bed, my body aching, tears welled up in my eyes, but I'm feeling so many things at once the only thing I feel is numb.

As much as I hate myself for it, I get extremely jealous. If you're with someone else it hurts me. If you talk to someone else before me, it hurts me. If you hang out with someone on the weekend, and I see it, that hurts me. If you care more about someone else it hurts me. I should be happy that your happy, but I'm not. I'm not your number one and it hurts me. It hurts because you can be so close to so many people. I'll probably never mean anything to anyone. That's why I don't ever want to need you. That's why I don't ever want to care. It hurts me, so it's better if I always stay alone.
-I am jealous of you all

When I think about what went wrong. I always have to remind myself that it was me to blame. Because only if I did that or this, maybe everything in my life wouldn't be so fucked up without you. If I told you how much I really needed you would that make you stay? If I told you ever time I ached without you, if I told you the truth when you asked me, would that make you stay? Is my pain really worthwhile to make you stay?
-Would that make you stay?

It's funny how much can change in a minute. It's funny how much can change in a day. It's funny how much can change in a month. It's funny how much can change in a year. It's funny how in that minute I felt like everything had changed. I finally realized how much I actually meant to you. I don't care if I'm overreacting or if you didn't mean it because I felt everything right then and there. I felt everything leave me. I gave up everything as soon as you admitted it. As soon as I realized how little I actually meant. It's funny because all this time I thought I meant something, but we are no longer anything and it's time I came to terms with everything. It's time I stop fighting the facts and just give everything up. I guess you really did lie to me that day. I really don't mean anything. I really never have. It's so easy for you to leave me. Haha I'm nothing. I'm nothing without you.
-Kill me

And when you say those words to me you have no idea what little hope left in me it crushes. When you tell me things like love doesn't exist and that I'm stupid for having suicidal thoughts I can no longer be strong. I believed in you because that's all I could do.
-Thank you dad

Monsters, monsters
Rattling their chains,
Release them before they break free,
Hurriedly reaching to take,
But It's just me,
Haggardly wheezing,
Barely breathing,
In the darkness,
The soft wails,
My mind trails,
And somewhere it leads,
They hold onto me,
The thoughts,
They don't stop,
Not until they take,
What belongs to me
My mind, my body, my soul
-That's my depression